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Playing with Fire
Emery

Pardon me for saying so, but you look more pitiful
than I had ever imagined. Despite perfect fashion.
And your photographs depict you so differently...

I'd always thought you would be some sort of match for me.

So let's decide who can survive
Stomping feet and racing beats of hearts that don't ever slow.

Then I'll write letters on white paper expressing my deep disappointment.

Dripping where I stand from my watery hands, hoping to get past the open bedroom door....where her clothes on the floor remind me of our conversation, the feeling of slight hesitation...to turn out the lights.

Fourteen days now, since we started to complicate the situation.
I'm not hiding, I'm just buying some time for us to find a back door.

We will come out when it's safe for us.
When it's safe for us..
When it's safe for us...oh, us..
For us.......

There's nothing left to say to excuse the way that I've behaved.

I still him gripping like a stain to this facbric, torn at every seam, then thrown away (one without regret, I will not forget)(One without regret, I will not forget)

Why should I take all the blame for my mistakes? You were there with every promise made to break.
When did you become the one without regret?
Kill me, burn me down, I swear I won't forget...




Can I just say how much I love this band? Too bad I missed their show last month.

Looking for..

I think there comes a point when life comes to this place where everything seems to be blurry. Like...things are going by so fast that you can't even see what you want to because things are moving...constantly.

This is both wonderful and terrible. Wonderful in that I haven't been bored at work in nearly two weeks. Terrible in that I miss the little things. I miss quiet. I miss being alone. I miss being with people. I miss just talking for hours about nothing and everything. I miss writing. I miss reading because I want to.

I miss you.

And somewhere in the mix of things, somewhere where things come together and crash, I'm still trying to remember that God IS trustworthy. Pastor spoke Sunday about being disappointed by God. Not as the focus of his sermon, but just as some side note.

I swear to you that God is speaking to me through all kinds of random people and places. It's good. But at the same time, I'm still hanging in there for a very specific miracle. God, if you're out there, and you can hear me, meet me where I am. I promise I'm looking. You've promised I'll find you.

Here's to waiting.

Cowboy take me away

IT'S OVER!

Didn't think I could do it, but I made it through a truly insane week. And honestly, I am still a little tired despite 11 hours of blissful sleep.


Admittedly, vbs week was more fun than I once thought. Even if I still have random kiddie worship songs stuck in my head. Not that that's a bad thing. By the end I even got into doing the motions from the sound booth. I felt ridiculous, but I'm pretty sure we all did.

Work is still looming in the back of my mind. There are just certain things this week that I'm really not fond of. I'm just hanging in there for now waiting to see what happens next. Waiting, watching, praying. The thing is, I have this weird peace about the future. I don't know what happens next. Not a clue. But I know God is in it. I know that despite all the things that are still holding me back, He is going to move me forward into where I need to be at any given point.

I wish I could say that I've had some beautiful revelation since my last update. Mostly I've just been learning that God is bigger. I've been learning that when God speaks, I need to listen the first time. It doesn't matter where I think I'm going. It matters where He's calling me.

As for now, my heart is somewhere in the great state of Colorado.

I want to touch the earth,
I want to break it in my hands.
I wanna grow something wild and unruly.

I wanna sleep on the hard ground
in the comfort of your arms
on a pillow of bluebonnets
and a blanket made of stars

It sounds so good to me

Cowboy, take me away
fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue
set me free, oh, I pray
closer to heaven above and closer to you

I want to walk and not run
skip and not fall
I want to look on the horizon and
not see a building standing tall
I want to be the only one
for miles and miles
except for maybe you
and your simple smile

it sounds so good to me

Cowboy...take me away....

Longest week ever...

Between VBS, work, and orientation for school, I have to admit I'm basically exhausted. Who knew life after college was so tiring. Now I miss those days when all I had to worry about was writing that 20 page paper for my Romans class.

But I suppose we all look back with rose-tinted glasses.

As for now, I'm hoping to make it to the weekend. Preferably without accidentally biting anyone's head off. I've found that the more tired I get, the more cranky I get as a generality. Which doesn't really bode well for co-workers and friendly youth group kids. Or innocent bystanders.

The good thing is that I have a seemingly endless supply of quality car-ride music to get me from one place to the next. Thank you itunes!

In the midst of all the crazy, I've found myself forced into a place of 'being busy'. Which means squeezing time for dishes into the morning routine. Or reading for class during downtime between sets at church. Or trying to connect with the elusive boyfriend while driving or eating lunch. It's working well thus far. But I will admit that I miss being alone with no one around and nothing to do. I'm most productive in my thought life that way.

And sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself actually experiencing God thoughts.

IE. "don't you know I love you? Don't you know I'd do anything for you? Don't you know that I want success in your life...and in the life of the man you love?"

No, God. Actually I didn't think of that in the midst of all my angry griping. I didn't realize that -- somehow -- even though I have heard it my whole life. (HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?) And I feel rather guilty now. Lately I've been saying how I'm struggling to trust God. How can you not trust someone you claim to love so much?

Rough. Really rough.

So here I am. Caught up in some new mind struggle. Fighting off tired. Fighting the emotions that run high with said fatigue. Wondering when God will start working things out the way I want them to be. Wondering if that's the way God wants them to be. Fighting to trust God. And holding tight to the hope I still feel despite all the confusion around me. Somehow, in the middle, just loving God and feeling some kind of mysterious peace. God is good in this. I'm sure of it.