Dear God,
You've dangled the carrot before my eyes once again. I don't want to think about it. I really don't. If you are going to do this, then do it. I'm done. I can't do it.
I read the other day..
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
So here I am. Still. Sitting. Waiting. I'm at the end of me, and I somehow realize that my own tools and resources are broken and useless. If something is meant to happen, then it will be by your tools that it comes together.
So....in my own selfish way...Go for it.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thoughts from my journal
1 October 2009
Thursday
"Therefore I am now going to allure you; I will lead you into the desert and speak tenderly to you." Hosea 2:14 (emphasis added)
allure - to entice with something desirable; to captivate
God, though you made me and know my heart, it never ceases to amaze me just how well you know me. That you could say something that resonates so deeply in my heart that I can't help but to tear up.
I love when you speak tenderly and gently to me. It soothes my soul. It gives me such a feeling of peaceful love that I can't put into words. You know just how much my heart longs for this and just how much there is a deep part of me that needs it.
But you also know that it means nothing if I don't care to listen. Like when I am surrounded by other people and other things and I'm too distracted to hear your gentle whisper. Life gets really busy sometimes and I find myself caught up in the traffic of my life - selling myself to anything and everything that promises something seemingly worthwhile.
And still you wait. You watch me as I go after other things. You let me ruin your reputation as I sell myself short and throw away our love like a common slut. You let yourself be damaged. You make no attempt to run from me, to cast me aside, to forget. But instead you wait.
You make the decision to draw me to you, and you lead me away from it all. Into a desert where all I feel is the lonliness of isolation. Fearing the dryness that takes over my soul. And then -- how is it that you know me so well? -- you speak to me. Not in angry words of retribution that I know I deserve. There is no harsh blow - no death strike that I was anticipating. No, instead of wrath comes beautiful words. Words of love. A love I'd somehow forgotten in the midst of my harlotry. You speak tenderly to me in that speacial way that touches my soul. That place only you know how to reach.
There, away from it all, hearing your words, all I can do is cry. Please forgive me. Please love me. (Through it all how could I not be insecure?) Suddenly I feel a rush of emotions as I realize the weight of what I have just done. again. Through tear filled eyes I look up to you. I don't think I realized how beautiful you were until this moment. And then I see what my self-absorbed nature had blinded me to before: I see what I've done to you. I see the scars I've inflicted. The tears in your clothing. The sadness in your eyes.
And yet you would choose to purchase me, clean me up, and love me again. You allure me - even now - promising something better in exchange for my filthy existance. You have stolen my heart, I'm captivated by you.
I've fallen deeply in love...
Thursday
"Therefore I am now going to allure you; I will lead you into the desert and speak tenderly to you." Hosea 2:14 (emphasis added)
allure - to entice with something desirable; to captivate
God, though you made me and know my heart, it never ceases to amaze me just how well you know me. That you could say something that resonates so deeply in my heart that I can't help but to tear up.
I love when you speak tenderly and gently to me. It soothes my soul. It gives me such a feeling of peaceful love that I can't put into words. You know just how much my heart longs for this and just how much there is a deep part of me that needs it.
But you also know that it means nothing if I don't care to listen. Like when I am surrounded by other people and other things and I'm too distracted to hear your gentle whisper. Life gets really busy sometimes and I find myself caught up in the traffic of my life - selling myself to anything and everything that promises something seemingly worthwhile.
And still you wait. You watch me as I go after other things. You let me ruin your reputation as I sell myself short and throw away our love like a common slut. You let yourself be damaged. You make no attempt to run from me, to cast me aside, to forget. But instead you wait.
You make the decision to draw me to you, and you lead me away from it all. Into a desert where all I feel is the lonliness of isolation. Fearing the dryness that takes over my soul. And then -- how is it that you know me so well? -- you speak to me. Not in angry words of retribution that I know I deserve. There is no harsh blow - no death strike that I was anticipating. No, instead of wrath comes beautiful words. Words of love. A love I'd somehow forgotten in the midst of my harlotry. You speak tenderly to me in that speacial way that touches my soul. That place only you know how to reach.
There, away from it all, hearing your words, all I can do is cry. Please forgive me. Please love me. (Through it all how could I not be insecure?) Suddenly I feel a rush of emotions as I realize the weight of what I have just done. again. Through tear filled eyes I look up to you. I don't think I realized how beautiful you were until this moment. And then I see what my self-absorbed nature had blinded me to before: I see what I've done to you. I see the scars I've inflicted. The tears in your clothing. The sadness in your eyes.
And yet you would choose to purchase me, clean me up, and love me again. You allure me - even now - promising something better in exchange for my filthy existance. You have stolen my heart, I'm captivated by you.
I've fallen deeply in love...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)