not sure how much longer i can hang in there. i'm going for drastic tonight and i'm gonna see where that takes me. hair. tattoo. who knows?
just gotta shake this ache.
it'd be nice to breathe again.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
When God Heals the Broken Hearts
Luke Ch. 6
43 “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. 44 A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. 45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart"
What does this mean if your broken and moldy heart has good intentions? What does this mean for the one who feels so out of place and confused? Is there a place in between the evil heart and the good? Because that is where I seem to find myself.
The irony is that I, like many others, I'm sure, have the best of intentions. We don't do things out of pure malice because we only want to tear someone else apart. We don't do things simply out of hatred or rebellion. But still we find ourselves outside of where we know God is at. We find in our hearts a burning pain, searing with the guilt we have for thinking or acting or doing the things we know we shouldn't. Sometimes it's poor behavior. Sometimes its the things we say. Sometimes its what we watch or listen to. Sometimes it's where we go.
And in all of this we find that our hearts are broken. Shattered intentions lie around us intermingled with the pieces of our hearts that have fallen to the ground. Picking up pieces seem to make things worse as we find ourselves holding on to shards of our life that we can't seem to let go of -- and that are ripping us apart as we hold on ever tighter.
God, why can't I let go of the pieces? Why are there things that I hold on to that are self-destructive? Why do I keep holding on to some kind of pride because I think I'm above that rule or outside of that guideline? Really, what makes me any different than the next guy? And more importantly, what makes me think that I can be whomever and not affect people in a negative way?
God knows what my heart is hurting for, and really, that's all that matters. There are all kinds of possibilities right now, and He knows how those could and would affect me. He knows what things would be a good fit, what things would break me, and what things are simply out of the question.
And for now, I'm working hard to let go of those pieces. To let God heal a broken heart.
43 “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. 44 A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. 45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart"
What does this mean if your broken and moldy heart has good intentions? What does this mean for the one who feels so out of place and confused? Is there a place in between the evil heart and the good? Because that is where I seem to find myself.
The irony is that I, like many others, I'm sure, have the best of intentions. We don't do things out of pure malice because we only want to tear someone else apart. We don't do things simply out of hatred or rebellion. But still we find ourselves outside of where we know God is at. We find in our hearts a burning pain, searing with the guilt we have for thinking or acting or doing the things we know we shouldn't. Sometimes it's poor behavior. Sometimes its the things we say. Sometimes its what we watch or listen to. Sometimes it's where we go.
And in all of this we find that our hearts are broken. Shattered intentions lie around us intermingled with the pieces of our hearts that have fallen to the ground. Picking up pieces seem to make things worse as we find ourselves holding on to shards of our life that we can't seem to let go of -- and that are ripping us apart as we hold on ever tighter.
God, why can't I let go of the pieces? Why are there things that I hold on to that are self-destructive? Why do I keep holding on to some kind of pride because I think I'm above that rule or outside of that guideline? Really, what makes me any different than the next guy? And more importantly, what makes me think that I can be whomever and not affect people in a negative way?
God knows what my heart is hurting for, and really, that's all that matters. There are all kinds of possibilities right now, and He knows how those could and would affect me. He knows what things would be a good fit, what things would break me, and what things are simply out of the question.
And for now, I'm working hard to let go of those pieces. To let God heal a broken heart.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Keepin it real
Such a drama queen.
Yep that's me. Not that I want to be, but sometimes waking up on the wrong side of the bed has the tendency to get in the way of me actually being nice.
Dear people that I hurt yesterday, please accept my deepest apologies. It's not your fault, and I'll admit it wasn't fair. I'm trying to be a better person.
Yep that's me. Not that I want to be, but sometimes waking up on the wrong side of the bed has the tendency to get in the way of me actually being nice.
Dear people that I hurt yesterday, please accept my deepest apologies. It's not your fault, and I'll admit it wasn't fair. I'm trying to be a better person.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
QT
There is something beautiful about sitting outside to enjoy the cool of the evening. Last night I decided to go sit outside after dinner and spend some much needed QT with my journal. It was quite heavenly.
I couldn't help but think of all those times you hear in hom class about how preachers need to find ways to be incarnational when they speak. Basically -- pastors need to get out of their church offices and write a sermon in starbucks every now and again. Or at least sit out on their front porch.
It is outside that I can see all sorts of things. Just across the main road and down a ways is Lake Morton. Next door is a neighbor I haven't really met yet. Across the street is a bank and parking lot. Over a bit further is the train station. Down the street are some kids on skateboards teaching each other tricks and showing off. Even somewhere where seemingly nothing is happening there are people everywhere. There is always something going on. And somewhere in the middle of it all I realized that I've gotten way too out of touch with people around me. I don't interact much. And I should.
I was listening to God and mostly just getting my feelings out. About life and work and my man. Lots of things to consider. Lots of things bugging me, frustrating me, confusing me. There are few things that bring me peace and relaxation anymore, but I'm bound and determined to find them. Once this bout of homework is done, I'm doing a puzzle. And when it gets colder, I'm taking up knitting...again.
But for now, I need to get back to the assignment I keep procrastinating.
I couldn't help but think of all those times you hear in hom class about how preachers need to find ways to be incarnational when they speak. Basically -- pastors need to get out of their church offices and write a sermon in starbucks every now and again. Or at least sit out on their front porch.
It is outside that I can see all sorts of things. Just across the main road and down a ways is Lake Morton. Next door is a neighbor I haven't really met yet. Across the street is a bank and parking lot. Over a bit further is the train station. Down the street are some kids on skateboards teaching each other tricks and showing off. Even somewhere where seemingly nothing is happening there are people everywhere. There is always something going on. And somewhere in the middle of it all I realized that I've gotten way too out of touch with people around me. I don't interact much. And I should.
I was listening to God and mostly just getting my feelings out. About life and work and my man. Lots of things to consider. Lots of things bugging me, frustrating me, confusing me. There are few things that bring me peace and relaxation anymore, but I'm bound and determined to find them. Once this bout of homework is done, I'm doing a puzzle. And when it gets colder, I'm taking up knitting...again.
But for now, I need to get back to the assignment I keep procrastinating.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Drop it and run
Here's the life lesson for today:
Don't tie your self-worth to what others think of you. Don't let your value be defined by your job title, your yearly income, your marital status.
Because today when all of that was getting in the way and clouding my heart, I heard a gentle whisper, "don't you know I love you regardless? Don't you know how much you mean to me?"
That's not to say the sting of the day isn't fresh. But sometimes it's good to get a refreshed perspective.
Don't tie your self-worth to what others think of you. Don't let your value be defined by your job title, your yearly income, your marital status.
Because today when all of that was getting in the way and clouding my heart, I heard a gentle whisper, "don't you know I love you regardless? Don't you know how much you mean to me?"
That's not to say the sting of the day isn't fresh. But sometimes it's good to get a refreshed perspective.
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