That date we've agreed on is growing closer every minute. Its like the weight of everything is so thick I can feel it. It's smothering me so I can't breathe. It's in my head like a bad song and it's all I can think about.
I know these next few weeks are going to be hard. I know I'm going to make it one way or another. But I also anticipate the moments where I don't feel like I'll make it.
I think yesterday was the beginning of the end. Its like something finally clicked and I am trying to make it stay that way.
It's not that I don't love him. Its not that I don't want to be together. Its that I need more than he can provide, and until that changes, this has to be it.
So here I am. All I want to do is sleep and forget about this mess.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Praying
Dear God,
I'm having a tough time trying to figure things out right now. I'm so tired of dealing with all this junk in my life. I'm tired of those that I love dying. I'm tired of adults acting worse than children. I'm tired of not sleeping through the night. I'm tired of things not seeming to work together at all.
But right now I pray for him. God, you know our situation. You know how long it's been since he's had a job. You know just how much it kills him inside each day that passes and he doesn't get a call back for an interview. You know how much it eats me alive to keep trying so hard to have hope and keep thinking that things will somehow work out.
You know how much all of this stress has begun to eat us both away. So I have come to the place where I have to ask questions. If you CAN do things like heal people and guide others into jobs, why don't you? If you are somehow over all of this, how can you let things go on this way? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do those so full of life find death far before they (and we) are ready? Why do grieving people act so stupid?
But mostly, why won't you help him find a job?
God, let this be the week. We're coming down to an agreed upon date and neither one of us wants to face what that might mean. So, please, don't let it come to that. I know he's working hard. Freaking help him already.
It's been two years. Two freaking long years.
I'm having a tough time trying to figure things out right now. I'm so tired of dealing with all this junk in my life. I'm tired of those that I love dying. I'm tired of adults acting worse than children. I'm tired of not sleeping through the night. I'm tired of things not seeming to work together at all.
But right now I pray for him. God, you know our situation. You know how long it's been since he's had a job. You know just how much it kills him inside each day that passes and he doesn't get a call back for an interview. You know how much it eats me alive to keep trying so hard to have hope and keep thinking that things will somehow work out.
You know how much all of this stress has begun to eat us both away. So I have come to the place where I have to ask questions. If you CAN do things like heal people and guide others into jobs, why don't you? If you are somehow over all of this, how can you let things go on this way? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do those so full of life find death far before they (and we) are ready? Why do grieving people act so stupid?
But mostly, why won't you help him find a job?
God, let this be the week. We're coming down to an agreed upon date and neither one of us wants to face what that might mean. So, please, don't let it come to that. I know he's working hard. Freaking help him already.
It's been two years. Two freaking long years.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Justice
One of the things I really miss about my former colleagues was all the random theology discussions. I had one fellow in particular that would think up some random and deep theological mystery and ask a few of us for our thoughts. Talk about something that challenges your faith. I miss that. Time to grow up a little and challenge my own faith.
I was watching "Harry's Law" last night and there was something at the end of it that caught my attention. Where did we get the idea that justice is fair?
How often do we cry out for justice and find ourselves wondering what happened when we see the aftermath? Justice isn't always fair. Justice isn't always pretty. But justice is entirely necessary. Without it we abuse our freedoms. We abuse what little power or wealth or knowledge we have. Inequality is not just present but terrible because it lacks hope.
I'm reading my Bible today (wow, it's been awhile) and I'm at the part where Joseph interprets Pharoah's dreams. This guy has been through it all. Sold by his brothers, betrayed by his boss's wife, falsely accused, thrown in jail to rot. Where's the justice in that?
He didn't give up, though. Maybe it's because of faith, but I'd like to think that he still believed that God practices justice. God likes to set things right. God likes to guide people to exactly where they need to be at the right moment in time because that's where they were meant to be. Even if it means slavery and jail. And it's not even about God setting things right for Joseph. In this case God was looking out for an entire nation.
Sometimes justice is God sending a photographer halfway around the world so she'll meet a group of kids growing up in the red light district because she is the only one with the creativity and resources to rescue them. But not all of them could be rescued. Not all wanted to be rescued. But justice is the force that provides the hope for a way out. Even if not everyone does get out.
I wonder, though, why one of the men in jail with Joseph had to die. Joseph predicted two dreams before he met the king; one for a baker, the other for a cupbearer. One went back to work, the other was killed. Why did he have to die? Couldn't they both have dreamt that they would go back to work? Or been freed? Or had a visit from a family member? Maybe he got what was coming to him, but still.
Justice isn't always fair for all those involved. Realizing that it's not fair that someone has more than you might also mean you are forced to realize that many don't have half as much as you. So much of the world is off 'balance.' If God is just, why do good people go through bad things? Why do innocent people die? Why does disease kill babies? I think a better question might be this: what are we doing to right wrongs and bring justice to what we can? It's a lot of work and sacrifice. It's not fair. It won't always work out beautifully. People will still die. Children will still live in the slums of the red light district. But I think it's worth a shot.
I was watching "Harry's Law" last night and there was something at the end of it that caught my attention. Where did we get the idea that justice is fair?
How often do we cry out for justice and find ourselves wondering what happened when we see the aftermath? Justice isn't always fair. Justice isn't always pretty. But justice is entirely necessary. Without it we abuse our freedoms. We abuse what little power or wealth or knowledge we have. Inequality is not just present but terrible because it lacks hope.
I'm reading my Bible today (wow, it's been awhile) and I'm at the part where Joseph interprets Pharoah's dreams. This guy has been through it all. Sold by his brothers, betrayed by his boss's wife, falsely accused, thrown in jail to rot. Where's the justice in that?
He didn't give up, though. Maybe it's because of faith, but I'd like to think that he still believed that God practices justice. God likes to set things right. God likes to guide people to exactly where they need to be at the right moment in time because that's where they were meant to be. Even if it means slavery and jail. And it's not even about God setting things right for Joseph. In this case God was looking out for an entire nation.
Sometimes justice is God sending a photographer halfway around the world so she'll meet a group of kids growing up in the red light district because she is the only one with the creativity and resources to rescue them. But not all of them could be rescued. Not all wanted to be rescued. But justice is the force that provides the hope for a way out. Even if not everyone does get out.
I wonder, though, why one of the men in jail with Joseph had to die. Joseph predicted two dreams before he met the king; one for a baker, the other for a cupbearer. One went back to work, the other was killed. Why did he have to die? Couldn't they both have dreamt that they would go back to work? Or been freed? Or had a visit from a family member? Maybe he got what was coming to him, but still.
Justice isn't always fair for all those involved. Realizing that it's not fair that someone has more than you might also mean you are forced to realize that many don't have half as much as you. So much of the world is off 'balance.' If God is just, why do good people go through bad things? Why do innocent people die? Why does disease kill babies? I think a better question might be this: what are we doing to right wrongs and bring justice to what we can? It's a lot of work and sacrifice. It's not fair. It won't always work out beautifully. People will still die. Children will still live in the slums of the red light district. But I think it's worth a shot.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Homesick
I've been in some kind of funk for about 3 weeks now. No matter how hard I've tried I'm having trouble shaking it. And honestly, the bulk of it is being homesick.
Of all the things in the world to miss, I miss my office. Of all the places to miss, I miss Lakeland. Mostly I miss the people. I miss the relationships. I miss knowing that I had all kinds of people that would come over and sit with me and just eat tacos and talk about how much we hated our jobs. I miss my girls. I miss my youth pastor. I miss my co-workers. I miss cabinet space. I miss crazy Vicky who lived two apartments over. I miss that feeling of being surrounded by people who know when something is wrong and know all I need is just to talk it out. I miss the support I had from the most random places.
Being here is nice. I actually have a dishwasher and a clothes washer and a dining room. I have a job that's more than vaguely interesting and I get to help students all day. I'm near my boyfriend for the first time ever.
If things are so great, why do I feel so withdrawn? I actually don't want to go to youth group. I just finished an MA in youth ministry, and I don't want to show up for events or on Tuesday nights. Everything there reminds me of someplace or someone else. A song will remind me of Ms. Kim. A game will remind me of countryside. A student will remind me of the ones I've connected with so well in the past.
I'm really having trouble connecting. I'm having trouble getting into the groove of things like I was before. Maybe it's because it's a larger group. Maybe it's the homesickness. But right now, I just want to disappear for awhile. Go off the grid and take the time to think things out. I'm tired of lying when someone asks me if I'm ok, but I don't feel like I can really trust anyone here with the weight of it all. Here's to rediscovering the mask I used to hide behind.
I know it will get better. But right now sucks.
Of all the things in the world to miss, I miss my office. Of all the places to miss, I miss Lakeland. Mostly I miss the people. I miss the relationships. I miss knowing that I had all kinds of people that would come over and sit with me and just eat tacos and talk about how much we hated our jobs. I miss my girls. I miss my youth pastor. I miss my co-workers. I miss cabinet space. I miss crazy Vicky who lived two apartments over. I miss that feeling of being surrounded by people who know when something is wrong and know all I need is just to talk it out. I miss the support I had from the most random places.
Being here is nice. I actually have a dishwasher and a clothes washer and a dining room. I have a job that's more than vaguely interesting and I get to help students all day. I'm near my boyfriend for the first time ever.
If things are so great, why do I feel so withdrawn? I actually don't want to go to youth group. I just finished an MA in youth ministry, and I don't want to show up for events or on Tuesday nights. Everything there reminds me of someplace or someone else. A song will remind me of Ms. Kim. A game will remind me of countryside. A student will remind me of the ones I've connected with so well in the past.
I'm really having trouble connecting. I'm having trouble getting into the groove of things like I was before. Maybe it's because it's a larger group. Maybe it's the homesickness. But right now, I just want to disappear for awhile. Go off the grid and take the time to think things out. I'm tired of lying when someone asks me if I'm ok, but I don't feel like I can really trust anyone here with the weight of it all. Here's to rediscovering the mask I used to hide behind.
I know it will get better. But right now sucks.
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