I've been in some kind of funk for about 3 weeks now. No matter how hard I've tried I'm having trouble shaking it. And honestly, the bulk of it is being homesick.
Of all the things in the world to miss, I miss my office. Of all the places to miss, I miss Lakeland. Mostly I miss the people. I miss the relationships. I miss knowing that I had all kinds of people that would come over and sit with me and just eat tacos and talk about how much we hated our jobs. I miss my girls. I miss my youth pastor. I miss my co-workers. I miss cabinet space. I miss crazy Vicky who lived two apartments over. I miss that feeling of being surrounded by people who know when something is wrong and know all I need is just to talk it out. I miss the support I had from the most random places.
Being here is nice. I actually have a dishwasher and a clothes washer and a dining room. I have a job that's more than vaguely interesting and I get to help students all day. I'm near my boyfriend for the first time ever.
If things are so great, why do I feel so withdrawn? I actually don't want to go to youth group. I just finished an MA in youth ministry, and I don't want to show up for events or on Tuesday nights. Everything there reminds me of someplace or someone else. A song will remind me of Ms. Kim. A game will remind me of countryside. A student will remind me of the ones I've connected with so well in the past.
I'm really having trouble connecting. I'm having trouble getting into the groove of things like I was before. Maybe it's because it's a larger group. Maybe it's the homesickness. But right now, I just want to disappear for awhile. Go off the grid and take the time to think things out. I'm tired of lying when someone asks me if I'm ok, but I don't feel like I can really trust anyone here with the weight of it all. Here's to rediscovering the mask I used to hide behind.
I know it will get better. But right now sucks.
