Psalm 62

S: v1 - "I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him."

O: David seems to be the eternal optimist. No matter what crap he faces, and no matter how bad things seem, he still looks to God as his salvation and redemption. He seems to always find the hope in the middle of the worst situations. I have no doubt that he must have had periods of depression or self-doubt...but even with that the Psalms always seem to come back around full circle to put God at the center of everything and the source of hope and protection. Here he isn't the one out looking for victory. He instead chose to wait quietly before God. He's trusting ahead of time that God will do what he promised to do. And he is going to wait - not necessarily sit back and do nothing - but wait before God. And quietly. It's easy to keep my mouth running and bug God about what's going to happen next, bud David chose to wait quietly. I think a key point here is that he's waiting quietly before God. This implies to me a spirit of prayer. He probably didn't just sit around and wait for something to happen. He later says "Let all that I am wait quietly before God" (V. 5). It sounds like a reminder to himself to keep struggling forward despite whatever challenges are at hand.

A: I think sometimes it is harder to wait on God than anything else. My nature is to go out and fix whatever is wrong. I see a problem, and I immediately want to attack it. Financially, it bugs me so much right now that we can't be more proactive in what we put into savings. But at the same time, I am trusting that God is going to be the one to take care of us. I am trying so hard to find contentment in where we are at. Honestly, I think I often underestimate and undervalue the way God has been providing for us in the past year. Maybe this is where we are meant to be for some reason that is beyond our control. We aren't hurting for money, but we aren't where we want to be. So maybe that's my challenge for today -- to wait quietly before God. To have patience that God is waiting for the perfect opportunity at the right moment. Maybe I need to remember that God needs to be the center of everything -- especially including the anxiety about our finances. He's going to work things together according to his purpose and not mine. And maybe I need to learn to be more quiet while I'm waiting on God. My victory comes from Him, and I need to walk in faith that He will secure the victory for us. I don't need to whine about it. I don't need to get frustrated about it. I need to daily give back the pieces of the situation that I've tried over and over to take for my own. Part of this is about surrender. Part of it is about trust. And all of it is about believing that God's ways are higher than my ways, and that he sees things that aren't even on my radar.

P: God, take my fears and worries. I am choosing today to wait quietly in your presence. I am choosing to trust that you really do work all things together for good. I am choosing to believe that all things are possible through you. And I am choosing to remember that you love us so much that we can't even begin to comprehend it all. Remind me that these things I fight aren't even my battle to win or lose. They are yours. Remind me daily that my victory comes from you and you alone. Amen.

Give me strength, take my burdens

Psalm 55

S: V. 22 “Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.”

O: David faced a lot of crap. David probably struggled with depression based on the tone of this psalm. He often had friends and others turn against him – he spent years in hiding for the sake of preserving his life. Not because he did anything wrong, but because he was doing what was right. Even in the middle of all the mess, he still made a point to seek God. In the middle of a psalm of lament, he notes that God still wants his burdens, and still cares for him enough to take care of him.

A: Thankfully, life has slowed down a bit, and things don’t exactly feel overwhelming right now. I certainly don’t have anyone who is after my life. I’ve been trying really hard to refocus and remember that God needs to be at the center. I am trying to pray over my office instead of going home to complain about it. I need to pray for my husband when he feels most frustrated instead of just sitting and watching him struggle. I think my biggest burden right now is my financial situation. I’m tired of feeling like we aren’t making any progress. It’s been a year since Matt last had a job, and I know God has been providing in crazy ways through all of that…but I can’t help but want more. I can’t help but wonder if God will take care of us. So I’m realizing today that I have to make an effort in the middle of my struggle to give it to God. This isn’t my battle to fight, but I need to hand over my desire to make things work out the way I want them to. I know that God has been taking care of us financially all year, and I need to acknowledge that more. I know that he is keeping us from harm, and again, I need to stop and acknowledge that more.

P: God, be our provision. Be the sole source of our finances – don’t let us rely on our own strength to get through the day. God, I’m asking you to move us out of the place we are in. I know that you must have us here for a reason, and I pray that we quickly learn the lessons we need to learn so that we can move on. I’m ready for the next phase of your provision. I’m ready to see all that you can accomplish with us. Don’t let us falter. Don’t let us become discouraged. I pray over Matt that you will guard his heart and his mind from becoming discouraged and losing hope. Be his strength, lord, every day. Draw him near to your heart. Be the source of his strength. I pray that you would lead him into a new job that would be a blessing to him. I know that no matter what job he finds, we will be able to make ends meet because you are our provision. When I become discouraged about bills or healthcare, lift my eyes up to the heavens and remind me where my help comes from. You alone can do things that we feel are impossible. You alone can bring us through this financial valley we have been living in that seems to have no end. God, lift us up to a new place. I give you my burdens today. I give you the anxiety I feel about my family needs. Continue to take care of us like only you can. Don’t let us fall – and don’t let my husband lose sight of what you are capable of doing in his life. 

Psalm 54

7 October 2013

SOAP Psalm 54

S: v. 7: “For you have rescued me from my troubles and helped me to triumph over my enemies”

O: David had far more to fear than I ever have. Yes, I’ve dealt with backbiting and backtalk, resentment and hatred, misunderstandings and anxiety. But I’ve never been pursued for my life. In the moments when he’s been thrown to the wolves, David could have chosen a moment for a pity party. He could have said, oh woe is me! But instead he chose to make a plea to God and then he forced himself to remember that God is his source and his helper. “I will sacrifice a voluntary offering” – this tells me that in the midst of one of his greatest perils, he still made a conscious effort to thank God for bringing him this far. His attitude was everything in this

.

A: My personal struggles seem so silly in comparison. Everyone has their own set of challenges and disappointments. There will always be something that feels too big to handle. There will always be something that feels like it will break you into a thousand pieces. But what attitude will I choose to have? And it isn’t about ‘what mask will I choose to wear when I’m in front of others.’ It’s far too easy to put on a happy face or to act like there is nothing wrong. It’s easier still to walk around complaining about the struggles that I am facing. It’s harder to say, today is tough, but my God is bigger than this problem I face. It’s harder to take things one day at a time and make that daily offering of praise to God because he’s brought you another day further into the journey of your life. It’s harder to get up every morning and beg God to hear your cries, and then somehow find the strength to walk in peace that only He can provide. It’s hard to trust God when it feels like life itself is out to get you. But God is my helper and he keeps me alive. He keeps me going. I know that no matter what my God loves me. And that is enough. When I don’t know where money to pay the bills will come from, my God loves me enough to provide. When my job is crazy and I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together, God loves me enough to provide a friend to talk to and eat lunch with. When I’m stressed about my marriage, God loves me enough to remind me just how awesome my husband is and how blessed I am for the friendship and understanding we share. When my anxiety is coming back and getting stronger, God loves me enough to speak words of wisdom to me to remind me to put on my spiritual armor too.

P: God, remind me daily that you are my rock. Remind me that you have already rescued me from the struggles I face, and given me victory. It is way too easy for me to get used to your provision. I don’t want to get to that place of complacency where I forget the depths of your love. Remind me of the journey we’ve taken together. Rekindle my passion for seeking your face. God, rescue me from today. It will be a struggle. But I know that you can bring me through. Give me hope in tomorrow. Hope deferred will wear down my soul, but I am choosing today to stand in faith that you will be my strength and provision and source of hope. Let me walk in peace. God, I really do love you. I pray that today I will live a life that shows it. 

I'm trying something new after nearly two years. Here are my SOAP devotions. I want to look back on this time and see how much God has changed me for the better.

If you aren't familiar, SOAP is a daily devotional format. It stands for Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer. You read your Bible passage for the day, and journal in each of those categories. So, here's mine for today.

3 October 2013

SOAP  Jonah 3

S: v.5 – The people of Ninevah believed God’s message, and from the greatest to the least, they declared a fast and put on burlap to show their sorrow.
v. 9 – Who can tell? Perhaps even yet God will change his mind and hold back his fierce anger from destroying us.

O: Jonah finally did what he was supposed to do, and there was an overwhelmingly positive response. The people believed him. I get a sense that they believed him almost immediately. The king even had a sense of optimism regarding God’s potential change in heart. What happened that they were so receptive? It  can’t simply be due to Jonah’s obedience. I know it has to do with God’s timing. Even more so since they were in a sense waiting for Jonah’s arrival. The reluctant prophet was met with certain success. And all ended well for the people of Ninevah. It goes back to the question I’ve always had. What is it about Christianity that makes a non-believer want to believe?

A: Why isn’t my heart like that? So ready and receptive for what’s ahead? What is the atmosphere around me? I know there is maybe one person who is willing to hear me when I speak. And I don’t so much feel afraid or unwilling to speak. I feel intimidated of saying the wrong things. I still found myself speaking out even this afternoon. But I can’t help but wonder if maybe I went the wrong direction. Do I give away all the dirty secrets of my faith? Or is it ok to get things out in the open to acknowledge the imperfection of humanity? Why don’t we see more people who are so readily repentant? Are they there and waiting for me, but I’ve been holding out? Do they acknowledge that God can love them deeply despite what other ‘christians’ might say? Unfortunately, I think I have more questions than answers today. And I am choosing to be ok with that.

P: God, open up my heart again. I know my biggest problem right now isn’t general fatigue or anxiety. My biggest problem is that I haven’t been looking to you for my answers. How am I going to be a light that shines in dark places when I so blatantly refuse to plug myself in to your light? God, open my heart so that I’m a willing and not a reluctant prophet. Give me the words to say. Remind me that it really is more about my willingness and my effort to do the right thing than about having the perfect words to share. Let me be an example of your love. Let me walk in peace – let it be a conscious effort to step into the peace of knowing you. Draw me near to you. Hold me close in the midst of a painful battle. God, for Matt, lead him to employment. Let us learn from this experience. Show us how to show love and care for others no matter how much or how little we think we may have. I pray that you would hold his head up. Let him find his self worth and his value in you and not in himself or his own accomplishments. God, take away this tight feeling in my chest that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Let me breathe in your peace. Let me sit in your presence. Let me remember that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me, but its about what YOU think of me. And the truth that you wrap me with is that you love me unconditionally. You don’t see me for what I do or fail to do. You see me for who I am created to be and who I am in Christ. Remind me of that every moment of every day. 

Down to the end

That date we've agreed on is growing closer every minute. Its like the weight of everything is so thick I can feel it. It's smothering me so I can't breathe. It's in my head like a bad song and it's all I can think about.

I know these next few weeks are going to be hard. I know I'm going to make it one way or another. But I also anticipate the moments where I don't feel like I'll make it.

I think yesterday was the beginning of the end. Its like something finally clicked and I am trying to make it stay that way.

It's not that I don't love him. Its not that I don't want to be together. Its that I need more than he can provide, and until that changes, this has to be it.

So here I am. All I want to do is sleep and forget about this mess.