Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages, your love never changes....

God,

Somehow, in some strange way that I might not ever understand, your love is bigger. Bigger than me. Bigger than what I think is right or wrong. Bigger than how I feel about my situation.

You make all things work together for my good...

I guess I'm in this place where I need a spiritual reminder. I need to be re-directed once again. It's not that I fall out of love with you. It's not that I ever stop loving you. The problem is that I start loving me a little too much. I get so caught up in what I'm doing and how I'm feeling that those things get put first. Above the people around me. Above you.

I went to a new church last Sunday. It is so refreshing to really be able to worship you...freely. I miss that. Honestly, deep down, I really miss our time together. I miss the time we once would spend...the times when I would hear your voice. I miss telling you how I feel, how you make me feel. I miss knowing your love deep down.

NO MORE!

I'm deciding even now that I want to come home. I want to seek you out. Really, not just some kind of outside effort. Not some kind of fake, forced or showy love. I want to talk to you on my way to work in the morning. I want to say goodnight and that I love you before I fall asleep at night.

My Jesus, I love you.

You won't relent until you have it all.
My heart is yours.

I set you as a seal upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm.
For there is love that is as strong as death
jealousy demanding as the grave.
And many waters cannot quench this love.

You won't relent until you have it all
my heart is yours.

I set you as a seal upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm.
For there is love that is as strong as death
jealousy demanding as the grave.
And many waters cannot quench this love.

You won't relent until you have it all
my heart is yours.

Come be the fire inside of me
come be the flame upon my heart.
Come be the fire inside of me
until you and I are one.

I don't wanna talk about you like you're not in the room
I wanna look right at you, I wanna sing right to you
I don't wanna talk about you like you're not in the room
I wanna look right at you, I wanna sing right to you
I don't wanna talk about you like you're not in the room
I wanna look right at you, I wanna sing right to you...

You won't relent until you have it all
my heart is yours.

Fight for me

Dear God,
You've dangled the carrot before my eyes once again. I don't want to think about it. I really don't. If you are going to do this, then do it. I'm done. I can't do it.

I read the other day..

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

So here I am. Still. Sitting. Waiting. I'm at the end of me, and I somehow realize that my own tools and resources are broken and useless. If something is meant to happen, then it will be by your tools that it comes together.

So....in my own selfish way...Go for it.

Thoughts from my journal

1 October 2009
Thursday

"Therefore I am now going to allure you; I will lead you into the desert and speak tenderly to you." Hosea 2:14 (emphasis added)

allure - to entice with something desirable; to captivate

God, though you made me and know my heart, it never ceases to amaze me just how well you know me. That you could say something that resonates so deeply in my heart that I can't help but to tear up.

I love when you speak tenderly and gently to me. It soothes my soul. It gives me such a feeling of peaceful love that I can't put into words. You know just how much my heart longs for this and just how much there is a deep part of me that needs it.

But you also know that it means nothing if I don't care to listen. Like when I am surrounded by other people and other things and I'm too distracted to hear your gentle whisper. Life gets really busy sometimes and I find myself caught up in the traffic of my life - selling myself to anything and everything that promises something seemingly worthwhile.

And still you wait. You watch me as I go after other things. You let me ruin your reputation as I sell myself short and throw away our love like a common slut. You let yourself be damaged. You make no attempt to run from me, to cast me aside, to forget. But instead you wait.

You make the decision to draw me to you, and you lead me away from it all. Into a desert where all I feel is the lonliness of isolation. Fearing the dryness that takes over my soul. And then -- how is it that you know me so well? -- you speak to me. Not in angry words of retribution that I know I deserve. There is no harsh blow - no death strike that I was anticipating. No, instead of wrath comes beautiful words. Words of love. A love I'd somehow forgotten in the midst of my harlotry. You speak tenderly to me in that speacial way that touches my soul. That place only you know how to reach.

There, away from it all, hearing your words, all I can do is cry. Please forgive me. Please love me. (Through it all how could I not be insecure?) Suddenly I feel a rush of emotions as I realize the weight of what I have just done. again. Through tear filled eyes I look up to you. I don't think I realized how beautiful you were until this moment. And then I see what my self-absorbed nature had blinded me to before: I see what I've done to you. I see the scars I've inflicted. The tears in your clothing. The sadness in your eyes.

And yet you would choose to purchase me, clean me up, and love me again. You allure me - even now - promising something better in exchange for my filthy existance. You have stolen my heart, I'm captivated by you.

I've fallen deeply in love...

Not sure

Alas. I'm actually sitting in a grad class right now. Should I be listening? Well, yes. Am I? Well, no.

I guess there is a lot on my mind right now, and it's a bit difficult for me to really focus on anything. Rough day at work, friends. Ruff. I'd love to gripe and give specifics. I'd love to point a finger and blame someone else and proclaim loudly all that is wrong in the world around me. But it's not about that. This is not that.

The thing is that God likes to take us some places that we don't want to go. He likes to give us lessons on things that we weren't expecting to learn. Perhaps there is a lot more from this to learn than I'd ever realized. I'm trying to focus on God right now. Trying hard to focus on His lessons, and not what someone else thinks I need to know.

It's hard for a few reasons, not at the least of which is the fact that all parties involved are suffering from imperfection. I need to understand that my view is not the right view, but neither is the other person's. We suffer from the sin of bias. Most of the human race falls into this daily. We all like to think that our view is right. That we know the answer. That someone else has to be wrong because they don't see the light.

Good grief, it's been such a long day. No amount of sleep will be enough.... But somehow it has to be. Sometimes you have to pay the rent so you don't get a choice.

Where's my lunchbox?

Well, I'm now in the middle of the second week of grad school. Which means more homework than I'd personally care for, and inevitably, looming papers.

All in all, it's really not so bad. Things are finally starting to slow up at work a bit, so I'm able to take a look at things, but still...lots of papers. And I completely forgot about that Saturday class next week. Well...I almost forgot.

The thing is, this time graduation actually seems like a goal. Not just something that happens at the end of it all. I think graduation was always generally expected before. Just keep doing all the work like a normal person, and eventually they'll give you a piece of paper that says it was all worth it. This time around, I'm pushing toward that goal like it's going out of style. I can't seem to get there fast enough. Which is weird to think about only 3 class sessions in.

Honestly, it's gonna be hard. I've never had to worry about papers and work. And trying to maintain my long distance relationship. But at least he's supportive. Not exactly thrilled that I've decided to get a degree, but he's willing to put up with it in the mean time. I might have to promise to take him to disney world or something just for working through it with me, but we shall see.

Either way...I've got homework to do. What the junk am I doing bumming around trying to post a blog? I need to read 8 chapters from a boring book so I can post on the discussion board. Goodbye writing things that are interesting...hello homework.

Currently playing

Playing with Fire
Emery

Pardon me for saying so, but you look more pitiful
than I had ever imagined. Despite perfect fashion.
And your photographs depict you so differently...

I'd always thought you would be some sort of match for me.

So let's decide who can survive
Stomping feet and racing beats of hearts that don't ever slow.

Then I'll write letters on white paper expressing my deep disappointment.

Dripping where I stand from my watery hands, hoping to get past the open bedroom door....where her clothes on the floor remind me of our conversation, the feeling of slight hesitation...to turn out the lights.

Fourteen days now, since we started to complicate the situation.
I'm not hiding, I'm just buying some time for us to find a back door.

We will come out when it's safe for us.
When it's safe for us..
When it's safe for us...oh, us..
For us.......

There's nothing left to say to excuse the way that I've behaved.

I still him gripping like a stain to this facbric, torn at every seam, then thrown away (one without regret, I will not forget)(One without regret, I will not forget)

Why should I take all the blame for my mistakes? You were there with every promise made to break.
When did you become the one without regret?
Kill me, burn me down, I swear I won't forget...




Can I just say how much I love this band? Too bad I missed their show last month.

Looking for..

I think there comes a point when life comes to this place where everything seems to be blurry. Like...things are going by so fast that you can't even see what you want to because things are moving...constantly.

This is both wonderful and terrible. Wonderful in that I haven't been bored at work in nearly two weeks. Terrible in that I miss the little things. I miss quiet. I miss being alone. I miss being with people. I miss just talking for hours about nothing and everything. I miss writing. I miss reading because I want to.

I miss you.

And somewhere in the mix of things, somewhere where things come together and crash, I'm still trying to remember that God IS trustworthy. Pastor spoke Sunday about being disappointed by God. Not as the focus of his sermon, but just as some side note.

I swear to you that God is speaking to me through all kinds of random people and places. It's good. But at the same time, I'm still hanging in there for a very specific miracle. God, if you're out there, and you can hear me, meet me where I am. I promise I'm looking. You've promised I'll find you.

Here's to waiting.

Cowboy take me away

IT'S OVER!

Didn't think I could do it, but I made it through a truly insane week. And honestly, I am still a little tired despite 11 hours of blissful sleep.


Admittedly, vbs week was more fun than I once thought. Even if I still have random kiddie worship songs stuck in my head. Not that that's a bad thing. By the end I even got into doing the motions from the sound booth. I felt ridiculous, but I'm pretty sure we all did.

Work is still looming in the back of my mind. There are just certain things this week that I'm really not fond of. I'm just hanging in there for now waiting to see what happens next. Waiting, watching, praying. The thing is, I have this weird peace about the future. I don't know what happens next. Not a clue. But I know God is in it. I know that despite all the things that are still holding me back, He is going to move me forward into where I need to be at any given point.

I wish I could say that I've had some beautiful revelation since my last update. Mostly I've just been learning that God is bigger. I've been learning that when God speaks, I need to listen the first time. It doesn't matter where I think I'm going. It matters where He's calling me.

As for now, my heart is somewhere in the great state of Colorado.

I want to touch the earth,
I want to break it in my hands.
I wanna grow something wild and unruly.

I wanna sleep on the hard ground
in the comfort of your arms
on a pillow of bluebonnets
and a blanket made of stars

It sounds so good to me

Cowboy, take me away
fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue
set me free, oh, I pray
closer to heaven above and closer to you

I want to walk and not run
skip and not fall
I want to look on the horizon and
not see a building standing tall
I want to be the only one
for miles and miles
except for maybe you
and your simple smile

it sounds so good to me

Cowboy...take me away....

Longest week ever...

Between VBS, work, and orientation for school, I have to admit I'm basically exhausted. Who knew life after college was so tiring. Now I miss those days when all I had to worry about was writing that 20 page paper for my Romans class.

But I suppose we all look back with rose-tinted glasses.

As for now, I'm hoping to make it to the weekend. Preferably without accidentally biting anyone's head off. I've found that the more tired I get, the more cranky I get as a generality. Which doesn't really bode well for co-workers and friendly youth group kids. Or innocent bystanders.

The good thing is that I have a seemingly endless supply of quality car-ride music to get me from one place to the next. Thank you itunes!

In the midst of all the crazy, I've found myself forced into a place of 'being busy'. Which means squeezing time for dishes into the morning routine. Or reading for class during downtime between sets at church. Or trying to connect with the elusive boyfriend while driving or eating lunch. It's working well thus far. But I will admit that I miss being alone with no one around and nothing to do. I'm most productive in my thought life that way.

And sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself actually experiencing God thoughts.

IE. "don't you know I love you? Don't you know I'd do anything for you? Don't you know that I want success in your life...and in the life of the man you love?"

No, God. Actually I didn't think of that in the midst of all my angry griping. I didn't realize that -- somehow -- even though I have heard it my whole life. (HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?) And I feel rather guilty now. Lately I've been saying how I'm struggling to trust God. How can you not trust someone you claim to love so much?

Rough. Really rough.

So here I am. Caught up in some new mind struggle. Fighting off tired. Fighting the emotions that run high with said fatigue. Wondering when God will start working things out the way I want them to be. Wondering if that's the way God wants them to be. Fighting to trust God. And holding tight to the hope I still feel despite all the confusion around me. Somehow, in the middle, just loving God and feeling some kind of mysterious peace. God is good in this. I'm sure of it.