In the event that

*Sigh*

There comes a particular time in the life of a grad school student when they realize that they are not going to get any more sleep than the bare minimum for at least 2 more weeks. And then they cry a little. And then they get over it because sleep also means that they'll have time to spend with their boyfriend and friends again. That little tidbit is quite lovely, actually.

I've come to that point, really. I feel like my entire life is consistantly dedicated to reading books that I don't have even the slightest interest in, and doing papers that don't really mean much. Not that I haven't been enjoying my semester. It's just that I've also reached the point where I can't even absorb anything. I'm pretty sure I just finished a sermon...maybe on Elijah...not really sure what it was about. Too bad, that.

Anyway, I realized the other day that I really miss a few things. For one, I really miss being able to spend at least a half an hour of pure time with Jesus. Time that wasn't spent wondering when I was going to get time to work on my next paper. Time that wasn't fixated on trying to create a sermon for next week's class. Time that was just beautifully spent in innocent awe and wonder at the world in which I live.

I miss getting up early just to sit outside and enjoy the beauty that is found in the early morning hours as the world is waking up. Just realizing how beautiful this world is. Despite the horror and the disease and distruction..there is still some kind of inherent beauty that is and only can ever be the essence of our creator.

I miss spending time with friends. I used to have some of those before they all moved away and either got jobs or got married. Or both. I miss going to the causeway just to spend some time getting to know someone. I miss going to someone's dorm to play a game because it was Friday night and there was nothing else to do. I miss tv marathons and sleepovers. I'm learning to settle for coffee breaks and random lunches. But, in this new weird time in my life, it's really not the same.

I miss my boyfriend. I often feel like I've spent the last three years of my life wondering what a normal relationship looks like. I think I'm afraid sometimes that we'll finally get in the same town for some amount of time and realize that things aren't going to work out. That terrifies me for a lot of reasons that I don't really want to talk about, but that fear is still there. I miss spending time just eating dinner and going on dates and sitting outside wondering what that cloud is shaped like. I wish things were different. I wish I had more time to spend. I wish the distance wasn't an issue. I wish he was more willing to make plans. I wish he had a more go-get-em type of attitude. But things are the way they are, and we're doing our best to make it work for now. It's not that I don't love him. Its that the distance really sucks. Especially since grad school.

So those are my thoughts for now. The good news is that it's nearly March and I'll be completely done in December. So here's to another week of spring classes...off to read one more book and figure out one more sermon.