Psalm 62

S: v1 - "I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him."

O: David seems to be the eternal optimist. No matter what crap he faces, and no matter how bad things seem, he still looks to God as his salvation and redemption. He seems to always find the hope in the middle of the worst situations. I have no doubt that he must have had periods of depression or self-doubt...but even with that the Psalms always seem to come back around full circle to put God at the center of everything and the source of hope and protection. Here he isn't the one out looking for victory. He instead chose to wait quietly before God. He's trusting ahead of time that God will do what he promised to do. And he is going to wait - not necessarily sit back and do nothing - but wait before God. And quietly. It's easy to keep my mouth running and bug God about what's going to happen next, bud David chose to wait quietly. I think a key point here is that he's waiting quietly before God. This implies to me a spirit of prayer. He probably didn't just sit around and wait for something to happen. He later says "Let all that I am wait quietly before God" (V. 5). It sounds like a reminder to himself to keep struggling forward despite whatever challenges are at hand.

A: I think sometimes it is harder to wait on God than anything else. My nature is to go out and fix whatever is wrong. I see a problem, and I immediately want to attack it. Financially, it bugs me so much right now that we can't be more proactive in what we put into savings. But at the same time, I am trusting that God is going to be the one to take care of us. I am trying so hard to find contentment in where we are at. Honestly, I think I often underestimate and undervalue the way God has been providing for us in the past year. Maybe this is where we are meant to be for some reason that is beyond our control. We aren't hurting for money, but we aren't where we want to be. So maybe that's my challenge for today -- to wait quietly before God. To have patience that God is waiting for the perfect opportunity at the right moment. Maybe I need to remember that God needs to be the center of everything -- especially including the anxiety about our finances. He's going to work things together according to his purpose and not mine. And maybe I need to learn to be more quiet while I'm waiting on God. My victory comes from Him, and I need to walk in faith that He will secure the victory for us. I don't need to whine about it. I don't need to get frustrated about it. I need to daily give back the pieces of the situation that I've tried over and over to take for my own. Part of this is about surrender. Part of it is about trust. And all of it is about believing that God's ways are higher than my ways, and that he sees things that aren't even on my radar.

P: God, take my fears and worries. I am choosing today to wait quietly in your presence. I am choosing to trust that you really do work all things together for good. I am choosing to believe that all things are possible through you. And I am choosing to remember that you love us so much that we can't even begin to comprehend it all. Remind me that these things I fight aren't even my battle to win or lose. They are yours. Remind me daily that my victory comes from you and you alone. Amen.

Give me strength, take my burdens

Psalm 55

S: V. 22 “Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.”

O: David faced a lot of crap. David probably struggled with depression based on the tone of this psalm. He often had friends and others turn against him – he spent years in hiding for the sake of preserving his life. Not because he did anything wrong, but because he was doing what was right. Even in the middle of all the mess, he still made a point to seek God. In the middle of a psalm of lament, he notes that God still wants his burdens, and still cares for him enough to take care of him.

A: Thankfully, life has slowed down a bit, and things don’t exactly feel overwhelming right now. I certainly don’t have anyone who is after my life. I’ve been trying really hard to refocus and remember that God needs to be at the center. I am trying to pray over my office instead of going home to complain about it. I need to pray for my husband when he feels most frustrated instead of just sitting and watching him struggle. I think my biggest burden right now is my financial situation. I’m tired of feeling like we aren’t making any progress. It’s been a year since Matt last had a job, and I know God has been providing in crazy ways through all of that…but I can’t help but want more. I can’t help but wonder if God will take care of us. So I’m realizing today that I have to make an effort in the middle of my struggle to give it to God. This isn’t my battle to fight, but I need to hand over my desire to make things work out the way I want them to. I know that God has been taking care of us financially all year, and I need to acknowledge that more. I know that he is keeping us from harm, and again, I need to stop and acknowledge that more.

P: God, be our provision. Be the sole source of our finances – don’t let us rely on our own strength to get through the day. God, I’m asking you to move us out of the place we are in. I know that you must have us here for a reason, and I pray that we quickly learn the lessons we need to learn so that we can move on. I’m ready for the next phase of your provision. I’m ready to see all that you can accomplish with us. Don’t let us falter. Don’t let us become discouraged. I pray over Matt that you will guard his heart and his mind from becoming discouraged and losing hope. Be his strength, lord, every day. Draw him near to your heart. Be the source of his strength. I pray that you would lead him into a new job that would be a blessing to him. I know that no matter what job he finds, we will be able to make ends meet because you are our provision. When I become discouraged about bills or healthcare, lift my eyes up to the heavens and remind me where my help comes from. You alone can do things that we feel are impossible. You alone can bring us through this financial valley we have been living in that seems to have no end. God, lift us up to a new place. I give you my burdens today. I give you the anxiety I feel about my family needs. Continue to take care of us like only you can. Don’t let us fall – and don’t let my husband lose sight of what you are capable of doing in his life. 

Psalm 54

7 October 2013

SOAP Psalm 54

S: v. 7: “For you have rescued me from my troubles and helped me to triumph over my enemies”

O: David had far more to fear than I ever have. Yes, I’ve dealt with backbiting and backtalk, resentment and hatred, misunderstandings and anxiety. But I’ve never been pursued for my life. In the moments when he’s been thrown to the wolves, David could have chosen a moment for a pity party. He could have said, oh woe is me! But instead he chose to make a plea to God and then he forced himself to remember that God is his source and his helper. “I will sacrifice a voluntary offering” – this tells me that in the midst of one of his greatest perils, he still made a conscious effort to thank God for bringing him this far. His attitude was everything in this

.

A: My personal struggles seem so silly in comparison. Everyone has their own set of challenges and disappointments. There will always be something that feels too big to handle. There will always be something that feels like it will break you into a thousand pieces. But what attitude will I choose to have? And it isn’t about ‘what mask will I choose to wear when I’m in front of others.’ It’s far too easy to put on a happy face or to act like there is nothing wrong. It’s easier still to walk around complaining about the struggles that I am facing. It’s harder to say, today is tough, but my God is bigger than this problem I face. It’s harder to take things one day at a time and make that daily offering of praise to God because he’s brought you another day further into the journey of your life. It’s harder to get up every morning and beg God to hear your cries, and then somehow find the strength to walk in peace that only He can provide. It’s hard to trust God when it feels like life itself is out to get you. But God is my helper and he keeps me alive. He keeps me going. I know that no matter what my God loves me. And that is enough. When I don’t know where money to pay the bills will come from, my God loves me enough to provide. When my job is crazy and I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together, God loves me enough to provide a friend to talk to and eat lunch with. When I’m stressed about my marriage, God loves me enough to remind me just how awesome my husband is and how blessed I am for the friendship and understanding we share. When my anxiety is coming back and getting stronger, God loves me enough to speak words of wisdom to me to remind me to put on my spiritual armor too.

P: God, remind me daily that you are my rock. Remind me that you have already rescued me from the struggles I face, and given me victory. It is way too easy for me to get used to your provision. I don’t want to get to that place of complacency where I forget the depths of your love. Remind me of the journey we’ve taken together. Rekindle my passion for seeking your face. God, rescue me from today. It will be a struggle. But I know that you can bring me through. Give me hope in tomorrow. Hope deferred will wear down my soul, but I am choosing today to stand in faith that you will be my strength and provision and source of hope. Let me walk in peace. God, I really do love you. I pray that today I will live a life that shows it. 

I'm trying something new after nearly two years. Here are my SOAP devotions. I want to look back on this time and see how much God has changed me for the better.

If you aren't familiar, SOAP is a daily devotional format. It stands for Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer. You read your Bible passage for the day, and journal in each of those categories. So, here's mine for today.

3 October 2013

SOAP  Jonah 3

S: v.5 – The people of Ninevah believed God’s message, and from the greatest to the least, they declared a fast and put on burlap to show their sorrow.
v. 9 – Who can tell? Perhaps even yet God will change his mind and hold back his fierce anger from destroying us.

O: Jonah finally did what he was supposed to do, and there was an overwhelmingly positive response. The people believed him. I get a sense that they believed him almost immediately. The king even had a sense of optimism regarding God’s potential change in heart. What happened that they were so receptive? It  can’t simply be due to Jonah’s obedience. I know it has to do with God’s timing. Even more so since they were in a sense waiting for Jonah’s arrival. The reluctant prophet was met with certain success. And all ended well for the people of Ninevah. It goes back to the question I’ve always had. What is it about Christianity that makes a non-believer want to believe?

A: Why isn’t my heart like that? So ready and receptive for what’s ahead? What is the atmosphere around me? I know there is maybe one person who is willing to hear me when I speak. And I don’t so much feel afraid or unwilling to speak. I feel intimidated of saying the wrong things. I still found myself speaking out even this afternoon. But I can’t help but wonder if maybe I went the wrong direction. Do I give away all the dirty secrets of my faith? Or is it ok to get things out in the open to acknowledge the imperfection of humanity? Why don’t we see more people who are so readily repentant? Are they there and waiting for me, but I’ve been holding out? Do they acknowledge that God can love them deeply despite what other ‘christians’ might say? Unfortunately, I think I have more questions than answers today. And I am choosing to be ok with that.

P: God, open up my heart again. I know my biggest problem right now isn’t general fatigue or anxiety. My biggest problem is that I haven’t been looking to you for my answers. How am I going to be a light that shines in dark places when I so blatantly refuse to plug myself in to your light? God, open my heart so that I’m a willing and not a reluctant prophet. Give me the words to say. Remind me that it really is more about my willingness and my effort to do the right thing than about having the perfect words to share. Let me be an example of your love. Let me walk in peace – let it be a conscious effort to step into the peace of knowing you. Draw me near to you. Hold me close in the midst of a painful battle. God, for Matt, lead him to employment. Let us learn from this experience. Show us how to show love and care for others no matter how much or how little we think we may have. I pray that you would hold his head up. Let him find his self worth and his value in you and not in himself or his own accomplishments. God, take away this tight feeling in my chest that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Let me breathe in your peace. Let me sit in your presence. Let me remember that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me, but its about what YOU think of me. And the truth that you wrap me with is that you love me unconditionally. You don’t see me for what I do or fail to do. You see me for who I am created to be and who I am in Christ. Remind me of that every moment of every day. 

Down to the end

That date we've agreed on is growing closer every minute. Its like the weight of everything is so thick I can feel it. It's smothering me so I can't breathe. It's in my head like a bad song and it's all I can think about.

I know these next few weeks are going to be hard. I know I'm going to make it one way or another. But I also anticipate the moments where I don't feel like I'll make it.

I think yesterday was the beginning of the end. Its like something finally clicked and I am trying to make it stay that way.

It's not that I don't love him. Its not that I don't want to be together. Its that I need more than he can provide, and until that changes, this has to be it.

So here I am. All I want to do is sleep and forget about this mess.

Praying

Dear God,

I'm having a tough time trying to figure things out right now. I'm so tired of dealing with all this junk in my life. I'm tired of those that I love dying. I'm tired of adults acting worse than children. I'm tired of not sleeping through the night. I'm tired of things not seeming to work together at all.

But right now I pray for him. God, you know our situation. You know how long it's been since he's had a job. You know just how much it kills him inside each day that passes and he doesn't get a call back for an interview. You know how much it eats me alive to keep trying so hard to have hope and keep thinking that things will somehow work out.

You know how much all of this stress has begun to eat us both away. So I have come to the place where I have to ask questions. If you CAN do things like heal people and guide others into jobs, why don't you? If you are somehow over all of this, how can you let things go on this way? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do those so full of life find death far before they (and we) are ready? Why do grieving people act so stupid?

But mostly, why won't you help him find a job?

God, let this be the week. We're coming down to an agreed upon date and neither one of us wants to face what that might mean. So, please, don't let it come to that. I know he's working hard. Freaking help him already.

It's been two years. Two freaking long years.

Justice

One of the things I really miss about my former colleagues was all the random theology discussions. I had one fellow in particular that would think up some random and deep theological mystery and ask a few of us for our thoughts. Talk about something that challenges your faith. I miss that. Time to grow up a little and challenge my own faith.

I was watching "Harry's Law" last night and there was something at the end of it that caught my attention. Where did we get the idea that justice is fair?

How often do we cry out for justice and find ourselves wondering what happened when we see the aftermath? Justice isn't always fair. Justice isn't always pretty. But justice is entirely necessary. Without it we abuse our freedoms. We abuse what little power or wealth or knowledge we have. Inequality is not just present but terrible because it lacks hope.

I'm reading my Bible today (wow, it's been awhile) and I'm at the part where Joseph interprets Pharoah's dreams. This guy has been through it all. Sold by his brothers, betrayed by his boss's wife, falsely accused, thrown in jail to rot. Where's the justice in that?

He didn't give up, though. Maybe it's because of faith, but I'd like to think that he still believed that God practices justice. God likes to set things right. God likes to guide people to exactly where they need to be at the right moment in time because that's where they were meant to be. Even if it means slavery and jail. And it's not even about God setting things right for Joseph. In this case God was looking out for an entire nation.

Sometimes justice is God sending a photographer halfway around the world so she'll meet a group of kids growing up in the red light district because she is the only one with the creativity and resources to rescue them. But not all of them could be rescued. Not all wanted to be rescued. But justice is the force that provides the hope for a way out. Even if not everyone does get out.

I wonder, though, why one of the men in jail with Joseph had to die. Joseph predicted two dreams before he met the king; one for a baker, the other for a cupbearer. One went back to work, the other was killed. Why did he have to die? Couldn't they both have dreamt that they would go back to work? Or been freed? Or had a visit from a family member? Maybe he got what was coming to him, but still.

Justice isn't always fair for all those involved. Realizing that it's not fair that someone has more than you might also mean you are forced to realize that many don't have half as much as you. So much of the world is off 'balance.' If God is just, why do good people go through bad things? Why do innocent people die? Why does disease kill babies? I think a better question might be this: what are we doing to right wrongs and bring justice to what we can? It's a lot of work and sacrifice. It's not fair. It won't always work out beautifully. People will still die. Children will still live in the slums of the red light district. But I think it's worth a shot.

Homesick

I've been in some kind of funk for about 3 weeks now. No matter how hard I've tried I'm having trouble shaking it. And honestly, the bulk of it is being homesick.

Of all the things in the world to miss, I miss my office. Of all the places to miss, I miss Lakeland. Mostly I miss the people. I miss the relationships. I miss knowing that I had all kinds of people that would come over and sit with me and just eat tacos and talk about how much we hated our jobs. I miss my girls. I miss my youth pastor. I miss my co-workers. I miss cabinet space. I miss crazy Vicky who lived two apartments over. I miss that feeling of being surrounded by people who know when something is wrong and know all I need is just to talk it out. I miss the support I had from the most random places.

Being here is nice. I actually have a dishwasher and a clothes washer and a dining room. I have a job that's more than vaguely interesting and I get to help students all day. I'm near my boyfriend for the first time ever.

If things are so great, why do I feel so withdrawn? I actually don't want to go to youth group. I just finished an MA in youth ministry, and I don't want to show up for events or on Tuesday nights. Everything there reminds me of someplace or someone else. A song will remind me of Ms. Kim. A game will remind me of countryside. A student will remind me of the ones I've connected with so well in the past.

I'm really having trouble connecting. I'm having trouble getting into the groove of things like I was before. Maybe it's because it's a larger group. Maybe it's the homesickness. But right now, I just want to disappear for awhile. Go off the grid and take the time to think things out. I'm tired of lying when someone asks me if I'm ok, but I don't feel like I can really trust anyone here with the weight of it all. Here's to rediscovering the mask I used to hide behind.

I know it will get better. But right now sucks.

Never Easy

I remember once when my best friend and I nearly parted ways. It seems that any good friendship has that inevitable moment when things get really serious really quick. And this was definitely one of those moments.

We were standing on a pier in the dark with a group of friends. It was late - the sun had gone down at least a couple of hours ago, and we were a bunch of bored teenagers looking for something to do on a summer night after youth group. I remember someone brought up this crazy idea of jumping off the pier into the water. I also remember looking at this water and looking around and remembering all sorts of stories about things that live there and about people that had jumped and landed on something and were paralyzed and all kinds of terrible things. I remember fear.

And then I remember that my best friend decided that she was going to jump off. She definitely had her reasons and it was one of those things she just had to do. But I just did NOT agree at all. I got mad. I told her it was a dumb idea. I told her I wouldn't give her a ride home. And ultimately, I left. She felt that she did what she needed to do, and I felt that I did the same.

It was in that moment that we were both standing on the edge of a pier. And we both jumped. Things were different after that moment. We came to the realization that friendship is not easy. We were able to work things out and still be friends, but I'm sure we still look back at that day with different views. What followed was a very serious week. There was soul searching. Yes. There was soul searching because of jumping off a pier.

Strange as it is, I don't regret that day. I don't regret that either of us made the decision that we did. It's never easy.

It's never easy to decide that you're going to stand up to your best friend and hold on to your beliefs even if it might alter the friendship. But sometimes it's a risk worth taking. It's never easy to lose someone close to you to something as nasty as cancer. But sometimes you have to let go. It's not easy to pack up and leave everything you've ever known and take on a new job in a new city. But sometimes you have to take that risk at the hope of something better.

And in the middle, God will hold your heart. Even if it's not easy.

Life is moving quickly

My best friend's mom died last week.
Cancer, always such a nasty thing.
Just so hard to accept death.

In the week since, there have been a lot of tears. Plenty of trying to figure things out. One sermon that I cried through as the preacher talked about Lazarus dying and how Mary and Martha must have been so mad that he let their brother die.

My own heart has been asking those same questions. Of all the people in the world, why her? Someone so full of life and love. Someone so giving. So loving. Why does God do what he does? I have no ideas. I don't think I'm mad at him per se, but I just don't understand.

In the days that followed I spent plenty of time trying to keep my mind off reality. Mostly talking with my chatterbox grandmother. Some cooking.

And then I got a few phone calls. I got the job...

I'm moving down South where my boyfriend lives. I got a job in the admin area at the state college there. After nearly 4 years of nasty distance, we'll finally get to experience life as a normal couple. Finally.

I spent the weekend looking for apartments. I spent today resigning from my current position and gathering funds and estimates to move. Despite my stupidity, this will be my second move in 3 months. A new personal record I hope to not beat. I'm not looking forward to the cancellation fees and startup fees. I am looking forward, however, to being much closer to the man I love so much. God, may this be the right move.

Things do seem to be falling together. Just one last detail - who will take this apartment?

Just rip it out already

not sure how much longer i can hang in there. i'm going for drastic tonight and i'm gonna see where that takes me. hair. tattoo. who knows?

just gotta shake this ache.

it'd be nice to breathe again.

When God Heals the Broken Hearts

Luke Ch. 6
43 “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. 44 A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. 45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart"

What does this mean if your broken and moldy heart has good intentions? What does this mean for the one who feels so out of place and confused? Is there a place in between the evil heart and the good? Because that is where I seem to find myself.

The irony is that I, like many others, I'm sure, have the best of intentions. We don't do things out of pure malice because we only want to tear someone else apart. We don't do things simply out of hatred or rebellion. But still we find ourselves outside of where we know God is at. We find in our hearts a burning pain, searing with the guilt we have for thinking or acting or doing the things we know we shouldn't. Sometimes it's poor behavior. Sometimes its the things we say. Sometimes its what we watch or listen to. Sometimes it's where we go.

And in all of this we find that our hearts are broken. Shattered intentions lie around us intermingled with the pieces of our hearts that have fallen to the ground. Picking up pieces seem to make things worse as we find ourselves holding on to shards of our life that we can't seem to let go of -- and that are ripping us apart as we hold on ever tighter.

God, why can't I let go of the pieces? Why are there things that I hold on to that are self-destructive? Why do I keep holding on to some kind of pride because I think I'm above that rule or outside of that guideline? Really, what makes me any different than the next guy? And more importantly, what makes me think that I can be whomever and not affect people in a negative way?

God knows what my heart is hurting for, and really, that's all that matters. There are all kinds of possibilities right now, and He knows how those could and would affect me. He knows what things would be a good fit, what things would break me, and what things are simply out of the question.

And for now, I'm working hard to let go of those pieces. To let God heal a broken heart.

Keepin it real

Such a drama queen.

Yep that's me. Not that I want to be, but sometimes waking up on the wrong side of the bed has the tendency to get in the way of me actually being nice.

Dear people that I hurt yesterday, please accept my deepest apologies. It's not your fault, and I'll admit it wasn't fair. I'm trying to be a better person.

QT

There is something beautiful about sitting outside to enjoy the cool of the evening. Last night I decided to go sit outside after dinner and spend some much needed QT with my journal. It was quite heavenly.

I couldn't help but think of all those times you hear in hom class about how preachers need to find ways to be incarnational when they speak. Basically -- pastors need to get out of their church offices and write a sermon in starbucks every now and again. Or at least sit out on their front porch.

It is outside that I can see all sorts of things. Just across the main road and down a ways is Lake Morton. Next door is a neighbor I haven't really met yet. Across the street is a bank and parking lot. Over a bit further is the train station. Down the street are some kids on skateboards teaching each other tricks and showing off. Even somewhere where seemingly nothing is happening there are people everywhere. There is always something going on. And somewhere in the middle of it all I realized that I've gotten way too out of touch with people around me. I don't interact much. And I should.

I was listening to God and mostly just getting my feelings out. About life and work and my man. Lots of things to consider. Lots of things bugging me, frustrating me, confusing me. There are few things that bring me peace and relaxation anymore, but I'm bound and determined to find them. Once this bout of homework is done, I'm doing a puzzle. And when it gets colder, I'm taking up knitting...again.

But for now, I need to get back to the assignment I keep procrastinating.

Drop it and run

Here's the life lesson for today:

Don't tie your self-worth to what others think of you. Don't let your value be defined by your job title, your yearly income, your marital status.

Because today when all of that was getting in the way and clouding my heart, I heard a gentle whisper, "don't you know I love you regardless? Don't you know how much you mean to me?"

That's not to say the sting of the day isn't fresh. But sometimes it's good to get a refreshed perspective.

I'm a bitter old maid

Well. I believe the title says it all.



So help me God, I need to not be so bitter. Or grumpy.

- He is always online (or so it seems).
- Sometimes I im him just so we can have a conversation.
- Being OVER the distance thing is SO an understatement right now.
- I just want to be like a normal person. Sometimes that means I wish I was really on my own.

but its ok. I probly don't mean any of that. After all, I'm just a bitter old maid. And apparently an emo one at that.

Its just going to be one of those days

"My Hands are Tied"

I feel like my hands are tied.

I'm locked here for one reason for another,
Tied to this place because options are slim.

I feel like my hands are tied.

You can't move forward sometimes
because you aren't as young as you once were.

Then you start wondering if you should have been doing things differently all along.
Maybe if I were different, then things would be different.
Maybe if I would have turned left 2 years ago instead of going right,
then maybe I wouldn't be here right now.

And yet, I'm still here.
Hands tied.

You can't tell me there is freedom and then try to keep me in a box.
I don't want to hate things. I don't want to hate where I am. I don't want to hate where life has brought me.
But at the root of it all, I'm just so frustruated.

Just untie my hands.

Lord, lead me somewhere. You know what I can handle.

Maybe I'm here because I'm not done learning and growing.
Maybe the frustruation is just because I still feel those growing pains.
They are very sharp today.

Lord, untie my hands. Let me hold the rope as you guide me.
Just untie what is holding me down and holding me back.

Funny Thing Happened Last Night

This weekend was a crazy one. Matt turned 25 on Saturday, so I was down with his family spending some QT with my love and enjoying a weekend off after some intense class and such. I particularly loved Sunday afternoon when we just sat on the front driveway and talked about everything from theology to star trek. God, I love him.

The really difficult part was that I had a BUNCH of friends get married this weekend. I mean, wedding season is hard, but pairing that with his 25th and the fact that we're nowhere near getting married anytime soon is just flat out hard. And we want to get married so badly, the thing is that we can't afford it right now. Still waiting on that job to work out on his end.

So I left yesterday evening with that all too familiar feeling...wondering when it will ever be my turn. Wishing and praying and wondering if all those little voices along the way telling me that I should consider calling it quits were right. And then God spoke to me through Joel Osteen.

Now, the thing to realize is that I'm not really the world's biggest Joel Osteen fan. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a good guy and all, but I don't exactly sit up late waiting for his sermons to play at 2 am on the Christian channel. And I'm not first in line for his latest book release. Thing is, I was actually watching "My Name is Earl" simply because my real favourite show doesn't come on at that time on Sunday nights. And when I got bored with Earl, I started channel surfing and came across Mr. Osteen's show. I'm not really sure why I decided to stop there last night except for the fact that I love how he never looks at his notes when he preaches. That's the one thing I've tried really hard to steal in my own preaching style.

But anyway, Joel was going on about something or other when this little word of truth stuck out to me like a sore thumb: maybe things are going to work out, just not right now. Perhaps part of this all being worth it is that I need to sit and trust that God is going to fulfill the promise that he has made to me. God isn't exactly the type that goes back on promises.

So I realized that what I really need to do is just cool my jets and stop getting mad every time someone besides me gets married. God's gonna work all this stuff out, and I need to trust him. He loves me enough to have a bigger picture in mind when I want to limit myself to only what I see right now.

Learning to take everything in stride

I think the one thing I've learned over the last week is just how much easier life is when you start looking at the positive, and let the negative just roll off your back.

I guess it takes coming to the end of what you think you have inside of you and then ... jumping off some kind of proverbial pier. This has been such a wonderful week of learning. Yes, there has been a fair share of crap. There has been the usual bickering and arguing. There has been situation after situation that makes me want to run away screaming. There has been cat pee in a puddle under the bed. .

But there has come a beautiful moment when everything seems to not even matter anymore. It doesn't matter if people know who I am or what I do. It doesn't matter if this place is thankless and if I have no future here. The thing is that I am learning. And learning a LOT thank you. There is something marvelous about leadership classes in that they tend to give this strange sense of optimism. That no matter how crappy things may seem, there is always a way to make it better. There is somehow, somewhere, a way to get a group of people to start forming a team. A way for two people to stop hurting each other and start loving each other.

Instead of all of the bad moments, learn to focus on the good. Look for that sliver of gold nestled in among the rocks and the dirt. Learn to find one good thing in someone and tell them about it. Learn to say "I'm Sorry" and "I was wrong". Learn that personal agendas are nowhere near as important as the team objective.

And most of all, I've learned that to start working together we need to understand each other and to understand each other we need to love each other. May God's grace be the glue that binds us together. May we learn to love like Christ loved.

Coming to an end...maybe not

Remember when you were just a kid...you know, those good old days when it started getting hot outside and you started getting excited because you knew that summer break was right around the corner? Man, I miss that.

I'm coming to the end of my second semester of grad school. I've got 9 classes under my belt, and I'm looking forward to finishing the final 2 before starting work on my thesis. Looking forward as in, as soon as these are done, I'll be able to go to the pool after work again. Man, that would be nice.

For now, this is the equivalent of finals week. One paper is due tomorrow (almost done) and another one is due in a few weeks. (I'm still not sure how that works out). And somehow I have to get a powerpoint done on 4 chapters by Saturday morning -- seriously who schedules class for 8 am on a Saturday. This is just rediculous!

Alas, I'm so tired. And stressed. My boyfriend deserves bonus points because he's been managing to put up with all of it. I feel really bad, and at the same time, I don't even know how to not be stressed. I think that's the part that bothers him the most. Just that I'm not quite as smiley or talkative as I normally am. The good thing is that once this is over, I'm done for a long long time. While I keep saying that I don't want to do work on a doctorate, I don't really see that happening anytime in the near future. I say give it some time and if the right program comes along, I'll roll into it -- but definitely not full time at all.

Oh, also, I found a cat. Itty bitty baby kitty. aka Gracie. Aka meowmix. aka kittybaby. Some weirdos were trying to keep her in their dorm room, and the cleaning lady found her. A co-worker intervened and was going to take her to the pound when I saw her on my way home and decided that she needed to come home with me.

So now I find myself bottle feeding a kitten a bunch of times a day. Who knew they needed to be burped? Because I sure didn't. It's kindof awkward burping a cat. Or feeding it from a bottle. But that's another story. At least I've got her trained to pee in a litterbox...