Justice

One of the things I really miss about my former colleagues was all the random theology discussions. I had one fellow in particular that would think up some random and deep theological mystery and ask a few of us for our thoughts. Talk about something that challenges your faith. I miss that. Time to grow up a little and challenge my own faith.

I was watching "Harry's Law" last night and there was something at the end of it that caught my attention. Where did we get the idea that justice is fair?

How often do we cry out for justice and find ourselves wondering what happened when we see the aftermath? Justice isn't always fair. Justice isn't always pretty. But justice is entirely necessary. Without it we abuse our freedoms. We abuse what little power or wealth or knowledge we have. Inequality is not just present but terrible because it lacks hope.

I'm reading my Bible today (wow, it's been awhile) and I'm at the part where Joseph interprets Pharoah's dreams. This guy has been through it all. Sold by his brothers, betrayed by his boss's wife, falsely accused, thrown in jail to rot. Where's the justice in that?

He didn't give up, though. Maybe it's because of faith, but I'd like to think that he still believed that God practices justice. God likes to set things right. God likes to guide people to exactly where they need to be at the right moment in time because that's where they were meant to be. Even if it means slavery and jail. And it's not even about God setting things right for Joseph. In this case God was looking out for an entire nation.

Sometimes justice is God sending a photographer halfway around the world so she'll meet a group of kids growing up in the red light district because she is the only one with the creativity and resources to rescue them. But not all of them could be rescued. Not all wanted to be rescued. But justice is the force that provides the hope for a way out. Even if not everyone does get out.

I wonder, though, why one of the men in jail with Joseph had to die. Joseph predicted two dreams before he met the king; one for a baker, the other for a cupbearer. One went back to work, the other was killed. Why did he have to die? Couldn't they both have dreamt that they would go back to work? Or been freed? Or had a visit from a family member? Maybe he got what was coming to him, but still.

Justice isn't always fair for all those involved. Realizing that it's not fair that someone has more than you might also mean you are forced to realize that many don't have half as much as you. So much of the world is off 'balance.' If God is just, why do good people go through bad things? Why do innocent people die? Why does disease kill babies? I think a better question might be this: what are we doing to right wrongs and bring justice to what we can? It's a lot of work and sacrifice. It's not fair. It won't always work out beautifully. People will still die. Children will still live in the slums of the red light district. But I think it's worth a shot.

Homesick

I've been in some kind of funk for about 3 weeks now. No matter how hard I've tried I'm having trouble shaking it. And honestly, the bulk of it is being homesick.

Of all the things in the world to miss, I miss my office. Of all the places to miss, I miss Lakeland. Mostly I miss the people. I miss the relationships. I miss knowing that I had all kinds of people that would come over and sit with me and just eat tacos and talk about how much we hated our jobs. I miss my girls. I miss my youth pastor. I miss my co-workers. I miss cabinet space. I miss crazy Vicky who lived two apartments over. I miss that feeling of being surrounded by people who know when something is wrong and know all I need is just to talk it out. I miss the support I had from the most random places.

Being here is nice. I actually have a dishwasher and a clothes washer and a dining room. I have a job that's more than vaguely interesting and I get to help students all day. I'm near my boyfriend for the first time ever.

If things are so great, why do I feel so withdrawn? I actually don't want to go to youth group. I just finished an MA in youth ministry, and I don't want to show up for events or on Tuesday nights. Everything there reminds me of someplace or someone else. A song will remind me of Ms. Kim. A game will remind me of countryside. A student will remind me of the ones I've connected with so well in the past.

I'm really having trouble connecting. I'm having trouble getting into the groove of things like I was before. Maybe it's because it's a larger group. Maybe it's the homesickness. But right now, I just want to disappear for awhile. Go off the grid and take the time to think things out. I'm tired of lying when someone asks me if I'm ok, but I don't feel like I can really trust anyone here with the weight of it all. Here's to rediscovering the mask I used to hide behind.

I know it will get better. But right now sucks.

Never Easy

I remember once when my best friend and I nearly parted ways. It seems that any good friendship has that inevitable moment when things get really serious really quick. And this was definitely one of those moments.

We were standing on a pier in the dark with a group of friends. It was late - the sun had gone down at least a couple of hours ago, and we were a bunch of bored teenagers looking for something to do on a summer night after youth group. I remember someone brought up this crazy idea of jumping off the pier into the water. I also remember looking at this water and looking around and remembering all sorts of stories about things that live there and about people that had jumped and landed on something and were paralyzed and all kinds of terrible things. I remember fear.

And then I remember that my best friend decided that she was going to jump off. She definitely had her reasons and it was one of those things she just had to do. But I just did NOT agree at all. I got mad. I told her it was a dumb idea. I told her I wouldn't give her a ride home. And ultimately, I left. She felt that she did what she needed to do, and I felt that I did the same.

It was in that moment that we were both standing on the edge of a pier. And we both jumped. Things were different after that moment. We came to the realization that friendship is not easy. We were able to work things out and still be friends, but I'm sure we still look back at that day with different views. What followed was a very serious week. There was soul searching. Yes. There was soul searching because of jumping off a pier.

Strange as it is, I don't regret that day. I don't regret that either of us made the decision that we did. It's never easy.

It's never easy to decide that you're going to stand up to your best friend and hold on to your beliefs even if it might alter the friendship. But sometimes it's a risk worth taking. It's never easy to lose someone close to you to something as nasty as cancer. But sometimes you have to let go. It's not easy to pack up and leave everything you've ever known and take on a new job in a new city. But sometimes you have to take that risk at the hope of something better.

And in the middle, God will hold your heart. Even if it's not easy.

Life is moving quickly

My best friend's mom died last week.
Cancer, always such a nasty thing.
Just so hard to accept death.

In the week since, there have been a lot of tears. Plenty of trying to figure things out. One sermon that I cried through as the preacher talked about Lazarus dying and how Mary and Martha must have been so mad that he let their brother die.

My own heart has been asking those same questions. Of all the people in the world, why her? Someone so full of life and love. Someone so giving. So loving. Why does God do what he does? I have no ideas. I don't think I'm mad at him per se, but I just don't understand.

In the days that followed I spent plenty of time trying to keep my mind off reality. Mostly talking with my chatterbox grandmother. Some cooking.

And then I got a few phone calls. I got the job...

I'm moving down South where my boyfriend lives. I got a job in the admin area at the state college there. After nearly 4 years of nasty distance, we'll finally get to experience life as a normal couple. Finally.

I spent the weekend looking for apartments. I spent today resigning from my current position and gathering funds and estimates to move. Despite my stupidity, this will be my second move in 3 months. A new personal record I hope to not beat. I'm not looking forward to the cancellation fees and startup fees. I am looking forward, however, to being much closer to the man I love so much. God, may this be the right move.

Things do seem to be falling together. Just one last detail - who will take this apartment?

Just rip it out already

not sure how much longer i can hang in there. i'm going for drastic tonight and i'm gonna see where that takes me. hair. tattoo. who knows?

just gotta shake this ache.

it'd be nice to breathe again.