Sometimes a Rob Bell video is all it takes

haha. Yes, that's a laugh you just read.

Let's just say that last week held more emotions than I think I was really able to handle. Lots of things going on, and not necessarily things that I really was ready for. But you know what? God is good.

And the thing that has been the theme for the past week or so is this: "God is in this moment"

Good, bad, or indifferent, God is in this moment. God is here when things are going really well and you are happy about life. And God is in those moments when your whole world seems to be crumbling around you and all you can do is look at the person next to you and wonder where all of this is going. And, still, God is there in those in-between moments in life when things are just...there.

That has been the theme of my life right now. Realizing that even though I might not be happy with the circumstances I might find myself in, God is here. Even if I wish I was in a different state, God is here. Even when I'm stuck eating pasta again because I'm too lazy to go to the grocery store, God is there. When I find myself surrounded by friends able to pour out my heart to God, he is there. Even when I don't feel him.

So Friday, my method of coping was to just sit and eat some pizza and some lime beverage of goodness and watch a Rob Bell video. I watched this one called "Matthew" and I think it was then that my perspective was altered.

See, I really think that some portions of the problem last week is that I just needed to grieve. Because these wonderful and beautiful plans and dreams were birthed in me a long while ago, and every so often there is this glimmer of hope. But when it all comes crashing to the ground it leaves me feeling so broken and empty. Like my dreams were miscarried. Not that they won't come later, but this particular set of dreams was broken and dead right in front of my eyes. And I just needed some time to grieve. To realize that I couldn't hold on to something that was dead -- I just needed to take the time to feel sad and to let it all out. And so I did.

Saturday I realized that maybe I've been spending so much time trying to craft my own dreams that I've not let God just do what he does best. He can create this wonderful and beautiful future, but I can't keep holding on to bits and pieces of things trying to shove them together to make the puzzle. I have to offer him the broken pieces and say "God, here I am, put me together again." I've been holding on to certain aspects of my relationship with Matt, and I think that it's because I can't let go of them that things don't work out. I'm trying to force God's hand. I'm trying to play house when there is nothing there but a sheet thrown over some chairs. I'm trying to eat a fancy meal but it's all made out of plastic. It might work for right now, but it's not really doing any good in the long run. I just need to let go of those pieces, back away, and trust that God is in the moments.

God is here when I'm stressed. God is here when my boyfriend doesn't understand me. God is here when all I want to do is back away slowly and scream. He is here in all of the beautiful moments I like to overlook. And everything in between.

Emotional stability is overrated

He didn't get the other job in Colorado.

Can I tell you how confused I am right now. Like one of those "God, what are you doing in my life" moments. Why are things continuing to work out this way?

I didn't get the other job at work either.

So that's three strikes right now between the two of us. Luckily, though, this is the week of crazy emotions. Like when my mom sent me a care box full of highlighters and a workout video. .. and I cried. So that's pretty much the last few days in a nutshell. Stress and crying and some chocolate.

So today my emoticon is somewhere between angry and crying and laughing and punching you in the face.

have a nice weekend.

greedy little ............ yeah

Got a phone call from Matt last night. He was sitting in an airport somewhere in S. Carolina (I think) and all I could hear was that annoying person announcing flights in the background mixed with the normal chaos that is an airport.

I know I just saw him a few days ago, but lately I just miss him like hell.

He's on his way back to Colorado right now to see what youth pastor jobs he can find (and some regular-type jobs too for the record). But he wanted to let me know he'd heard back from one of the pastors he'd spoken with a few weeks ago. And by the way he was talking I knew it wasn't what we wanted to hear.

At least now we know why the guy took so long to get back to us.

I think the hardest part right now is that we've heard the same story over and over again. "we went with another married couple." UGH. That's so hard to hear. So hard. So I did the only thing I could do at the time. I put my knitting down and I tried to keep the crying noises down while I told him that God was still in this moment. And after I hung up, I turned off all the lights in my apartment, took off my glasses and got mad at God.

Well, maybe not quite mad. But I did cry a lot. "God why does this keep happening" "Why don't they understand" "Please just start working things together so that we can get married". . . Two years is a long time to wait when you don't really want to. Two. Long. Grueling. Long distance. Years. Week after week of not seeing each other. Month after month of 'I'll call you for 15 minutes on my lunch break'.

I'm so sick of this. And yet I feel so greedy asking for something different. I want to go somewhere new, but it's not about me. I want to marry this man, and yet why isn't it working out? I swear if I could marry him tomorrow I would. No dress, no party, no nothing. Just me and him. That's how over all of this I am.

And I hate to be bitter. I hate going on facebook and being jealous of all the married friends. I hate being jealous and hurt every time someone gets engaged. I hate that part of me cries at weddings simply because it's been so long and it hasn't been my turn. I feel like a greedy little....[dog]. Because it's not about me.

Once again, God has left me wondering 'what's next?'

Missional Ecclesiology

Ok.This might sound confusing, but it's not really. Tonight in class we're talking about what missions in the church should look like. Ecclesiology is just the study of the church and it's workings. So...how does missions fit into this?

It bothers me that so many churches spend all kinds of money and effort to support things that shouldn't always come first. Like spending thousands of dollars for a brand new building or new signs when that same church can't pay it's own staff. And a church that can't even pay its staff is not very likely to do things to help the people down the street.

Or, they might be found in the other extreme. We find so many churches that are putting thousands of dollars to support a long list of missionaries overseas...yet what are we doing about the homelessness downtown? Most churches don't want "that kind of person" to sit on their pews for fear of making them dirty. Essentially, we don't understand what it means to be missional. We don't understand what it means to take care of someone that doesn't look or sound (or smell) like we do. But we're willing to pay someone else to do our job outside our boarders. Americans are such lazy consumers.

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe that we need to have missionaries in countries around the world. We need to be a light that shines in the dark places all over our planet. But I also understand that not everyone is called to pack up and go somewhere far away and do that. It's hard. It takes skills. And not just bowstaff skills. I realize that there are people right now that are doing some amazing things...it's just that not all of us are going to be able to do that.

But there is a definite problem when people are willing to just sit back in their comfy little pews and give money to someone they don't know just because they need to 'do something good.' We can't just rest on our laurels and hope that someone else will do good if we just give them money. We're paying someone else to do something that we should be doing all along.

Why aren't more churches involved in figuring out the problems in the city they find themselves in? Why are we targeting rich neighborhoods and rich people that we know will bring in a larger tithe instead of going into the ghetto next door to the people that know what it means to suffer and are literally dying for some hope?

I think we are afraid to get our hands dirty. We're afraid to let our children see a homeless person because we're afraid of what might happen if they see the truth. We're afraid that they might rub off on them -- to the point that we're not willing to rub off on them. We won't feed them because they might come back for more. We won't talk to them because they are all murderers and they'll kill us....wait, what?

Let's be different. Let's make a difference. Let's stop paying someone else to do our job. Let's be like Jesus -- let's hang out with prostitutes, drug addicts, homeless persons, punk kids, and cranky old guys at the mall. And lets let other 'Christians' judge us poorly for hanging out with sinners.

I'm so...

...over this right now.

/sigh/

It's been a long day. And somehow, in the middle of all of this, I am trying to remember that God is bigger than all of my whiny little problems. Bigger than what I think is important. Bigger than how I feel at the moment. (Which, honestly, is bored to tears from this class that is far less than interesting and simultaneously way over my head.)

Its frustrating to me sometimes that I want things to go a certain way in a certain time frame. And, yet, God always seems to have something completely different up his sleeves. Which is good. Because God is good. But being human, it is still hard to understand and deal with.

I just want things to work out faster. I want Matt to have that job and get that ring, and marry me already. I want to find a job that I really love, not just one that pays the bills. I want to pay off this beast of burden that is my car. I want to get out of this blessed state that is way too humid for anyone, really. Yet here I am. Still not married. Still paying off a car loan. Still sitting through a class that I don't really care about or understand. Still wondering how all of God's plans are going to start making sense in the messed up life language that I speak.

God, you're good. Sarah, have some patience for crying out loud.