Got a phone call from Matt last night. He was sitting in an airport somewhere in S. Carolina (I think) and all I could hear was that annoying person announcing flights in the background mixed with the normal chaos that is an airport.
I know I just saw him a few days ago, but lately I just miss him like hell.
He's on his way back to Colorado right now to see what youth pastor jobs he can find (and some regular-type jobs too for the record). But he wanted to let me know he'd heard back from one of the pastors he'd spoken with a few weeks ago. And by the way he was talking I knew it wasn't what we wanted to hear.
At least now we know why the guy took so long to get back to us.
I think the hardest part right now is that we've heard the same story over and over again. "we went with another married couple." UGH. That's so hard to hear. So hard. So I did the only thing I could do at the time. I put my knitting down and I tried to keep the crying noises down while I told him that God was still in this moment. And after I hung up, I turned off all the lights in my apartment, took off my glasses and got mad at God.
Well, maybe not quite mad. But I did cry a lot. "God why does this keep happening" "Why don't they understand" "Please just start working things together so that we can get married". . . Two years is a long time to wait when you don't really want to. Two. Long. Grueling. Long distance. Years. Week after week of not seeing each other. Month after month of 'I'll call you for 15 minutes on my lunch break'.
I'm so sick of this. And yet I feel so greedy asking for something different. I want to go somewhere new, but it's not about me. I want to marry this man, and yet why isn't it working out? I swear if I could marry him tomorrow I would. No dress, no party, no nothing. Just me and him. That's how over all of this I am.
And I hate to be bitter. I hate going on facebook and being jealous of all the married friends. I hate being jealous and hurt every time someone gets engaged. I hate that part of me cries at weddings simply because it's been so long and it hasn't been my turn. I feel like a greedy little....[dog]. Because it's not about me.
Once again, God has left me wondering 'what's next?'
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