haha. Yes, that's a laugh you just read.
Let's just say that last week held more emotions than I think I was really able to handle. Lots of things going on, and not necessarily things that I really was ready for. But you know what? God is good.
And the thing that has been the theme for the past week or so is this: "God is in this moment"
Good, bad, or indifferent, God is in this moment. God is here when things are going really well and you are happy about life. And God is in those moments when your whole world seems to be crumbling around you and all you can do is look at the person next to you and wonder where all of this is going. And, still, God is there in those in-between moments in life when things are just...there.
That has been the theme of my life right now. Realizing that even though I might not be happy with the circumstances I might find myself in, God is here. Even if I wish I was in a different state, God is here. Even when I'm stuck eating pasta again because I'm too lazy to go to the grocery store, God is there. When I find myself surrounded by friends able to pour out my heart to God, he is there. Even when I don't feel him.
So Friday, my method of coping was to just sit and eat some pizza and some lime beverage of goodness and watch a Rob Bell video. I watched this one called "Matthew" and I think it was then that my perspective was altered.
See, I really think that some portions of the problem last week is that I just needed to grieve. Because these wonderful and beautiful plans and dreams were birthed in me a long while ago, and every so often there is this glimmer of hope. But when it all comes crashing to the ground it leaves me feeling so broken and empty. Like my dreams were miscarried. Not that they won't come later, but this particular set of dreams was broken and dead right in front of my eyes. And I just needed some time to grieve. To realize that I couldn't hold on to something that was dead -- I just needed to take the time to feel sad and to let it all out. And so I did.
Saturday I realized that maybe I've been spending so much time trying to craft my own dreams that I've not let God just do what he does best. He can create this wonderful and beautiful future, but I can't keep holding on to bits and pieces of things trying to shove them together to make the puzzle. I have to offer him the broken pieces and say "God, here I am, put me together again." I've been holding on to certain aspects of my relationship with Matt, and I think that it's because I can't let go of them that things don't work out. I'm trying to force God's hand. I'm trying to play house when there is nothing there but a sheet thrown over some chairs. I'm trying to eat a fancy meal but it's all made out of plastic. It might work for right now, but it's not really doing any good in the long run. I just need to let go of those pieces, back away, and trust that God is in the moments.
God is here when I'm stressed. God is here when my boyfriend doesn't understand me. God is here when all I want to do is back away slowly and scream. He is here in all of the beautiful moments I like to overlook. And everything in between.
No comments:
Post a Comment