You stay the same through the ages, your love never changes....
God,
Somehow, in some strange way that I might not ever understand, your love is bigger. Bigger than me. Bigger than what I think is right or wrong. Bigger than how I feel about my situation.
You make all things work together for my good...
I guess I'm in this place where I need a spiritual reminder. I need to be re-directed once again. It's not that I fall out of love with you. It's not that I ever stop loving you. The problem is that I start loving me a little too much. I get so caught up in what I'm doing and how I'm feeling that those things get put first. Above the people around me. Above you.
I went to a new church last Sunday. It is so refreshing to really be able to worship you...freely. I miss that. Honestly, deep down, I really miss our time together. I miss the time we once would spend...the times when I would hear your voice. I miss telling you how I feel, how you make me feel. I miss knowing your love deep down.
NO MORE!
I'm deciding even now that I want to come home. I want to seek you out. Really, not just some kind of outside effort. Not some kind of fake, forced or showy love. I want to talk to you on my way to work in the morning. I want to say goodnight and that I love you before I fall asleep at night.
My Jesus, I love you.
You won't relent until you have it all.
My heart is yours.
I set you as a seal upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm.
For there is love that is as strong as death
jealousy demanding as the grave.
And many waters cannot quench this love.
You won't relent until you have it all
my heart is yours.
I set you as a seal upon my heart
as a seal upon my arm.
For there is love that is as strong as death
jealousy demanding as the grave.
And many waters cannot quench this love.
You won't relent until you have it all
my heart is yours.
Come be the fire inside of me
come be the flame upon my heart.
Come be the fire inside of me
until you and I are one.
I don't wanna talk about you like you're not in the room
I wanna look right at you, I wanna sing right to you
I don't wanna talk about you like you're not in the room
I wanna look right at you, I wanna sing right to you
I don't wanna talk about you like you're not in the room
I wanna look right at you, I wanna sing right to you...
You won't relent until you have it all
my heart is yours.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Fight for me
Dear God,
You've dangled the carrot before my eyes once again. I don't want to think about it. I really don't. If you are going to do this, then do it. I'm done. I can't do it.
I read the other day..
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
So here I am. Still. Sitting. Waiting. I'm at the end of me, and I somehow realize that my own tools and resources are broken and useless. If something is meant to happen, then it will be by your tools that it comes together.
So....in my own selfish way...Go for it.
You've dangled the carrot before my eyes once again. I don't want to think about it. I really don't. If you are going to do this, then do it. I'm done. I can't do it.
I read the other day..
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
So here I am. Still. Sitting. Waiting. I'm at the end of me, and I somehow realize that my own tools and resources are broken and useless. If something is meant to happen, then it will be by your tools that it comes together.
So....in my own selfish way...Go for it.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thoughts from my journal
1 October 2009
Thursday
"Therefore I am now going to allure you; I will lead you into the desert and speak tenderly to you." Hosea 2:14 (emphasis added)
allure - to entice with something desirable; to captivate
God, though you made me and know my heart, it never ceases to amaze me just how well you know me. That you could say something that resonates so deeply in my heart that I can't help but to tear up.
I love when you speak tenderly and gently to me. It soothes my soul. It gives me such a feeling of peaceful love that I can't put into words. You know just how much my heart longs for this and just how much there is a deep part of me that needs it.
But you also know that it means nothing if I don't care to listen. Like when I am surrounded by other people and other things and I'm too distracted to hear your gentle whisper. Life gets really busy sometimes and I find myself caught up in the traffic of my life - selling myself to anything and everything that promises something seemingly worthwhile.
And still you wait. You watch me as I go after other things. You let me ruin your reputation as I sell myself short and throw away our love like a common slut. You let yourself be damaged. You make no attempt to run from me, to cast me aside, to forget. But instead you wait.
You make the decision to draw me to you, and you lead me away from it all. Into a desert where all I feel is the lonliness of isolation. Fearing the dryness that takes over my soul. And then -- how is it that you know me so well? -- you speak to me. Not in angry words of retribution that I know I deserve. There is no harsh blow - no death strike that I was anticipating. No, instead of wrath comes beautiful words. Words of love. A love I'd somehow forgotten in the midst of my harlotry. You speak tenderly to me in that speacial way that touches my soul. That place only you know how to reach.
There, away from it all, hearing your words, all I can do is cry. Please forgive me. Please love me. (Through it all how could I not be insecure?) Suddenly I feel a rush of emotions as I realize the weight of what I have just done. again. Through tear filled eyes I look up to you. I don't think I realized how beautiful you were until this moment. And then I see what my self-absorbed nature had blinded me to before: I see what I've done to you. I see the scars I've inflicted. The tears in your clothing. The sadness in your eyes.
And yet you would choose to purchase me, clean me up, and love me again. You allure me - even now - promising something better in exchange for my filthy existance. You have stolen my heart, I'm captivated by you.
I've fallen deeply in love...
Thursday
"Therefore I am now going to allure you; I will lead you into the desert and speak tenderly to you." Hosea 2:14 (emphasis added)
allure - to entice with something desirable; to captivate
God, though you made me and know my heart, it never ceases to amaze me just how well you know me. That you could say something that resonates so deeply in my heart that I can't help but to tear up.
I love when you speak tenderly and gently to me. It soothes my soul. It gives me such a feeling of peaceful love that I can't put into words. You know just how much my heart longs for this and just how much there is a deep part of me that needs it.
But you also know that it means nothing if I don't care to listen. Like when I am surrounded by other people and other things and I'm too distracted to hear your gentle whisper. Life gets really busy sometimes and I find myself caught up in the traffic of my life - selling myself to anything and everything that promises something seemingly worthwhile.
And still you wait. You watch me as I go after other things. You let me ruin your reputation as I sell myself short and throw away our love like a common slut. You let yourself be damaged. You make no attempt to run from me, to cast me aside, to forget. But instead you wait.
You make the decision to draw me to you, and you lead me away from it all. Into a desert where all I feel is the lonliness of isolation. Fearing the dryness that takes over my soul. And then -- how is it that you know me so well? -- you speak to me. Not in angry words of retribution that I know I deserve. There is no harsh blow - no death strike that I was anticipating. No, instead of wrath comes beautiful words. Words of love. A love I'd somehow forgotten in the midst of my harlotry. You speak tenderly to me in that speacial way that touches my soul. That place only you know how to reach.
There, away from it all, hearing your words, all I can do is cry. Please forgive me. Please love me. (Through it all how could I not be insecure?) Suddenly I feel a rush of emotions as I realize the weight of what I have just done. again. Through tear filled eyes I look up to you. I don't think I realized how beautiful you were until this moment. And then I see what my self-absorbed nature had blinded me to before: I see what I've done to you. I see the scars I've inflicted. The tears in your clothing. The sadness in your eyes.
And yet you would choose to purchase me, clean me up, and love me again. You allure me - even now - promising something better in exchange for my filthy existance. You have stolen my heart, I'm captivated by you.
I've fallen deeply in love...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Not sure
Alas. I'm actually sitting in a grad class right now. Should I be listening? Well, yes. Am I? Well, no.
I guess there is a lot on my mind right now, and it's a bit difficult for me to really focus on anything. Rough day at work, friends. Ruff. I'd love to gripe and give specifics. I'd love to point a finger and blame someone else and proclaim loudly all that is wrong in the world around me. But it's not about that. This is not that.
The thing is that God likes to take us some places that we don't want to go. He likes to give us lessons on things that we weren't expecting to learn. Perhaps there is a lot more from this to learn than I'd ever realized. I'm trying to focus on God right now. Trying hard to focus on His lessons, and not what someone else thinks I need to know.
It's hard for a few reasons, not at the least of which is the fact that all parties involved are suffering from imperfection. I need to understand that my view is not the right view, but neither is the other person's. We suffer from the sin of bias. Most of the human race falls into this daily. We all like to think that our view is right. That we know the answer. That someone else has to be wrong because they don't see the light.
Good grief, it's been such a long day. No amount of sleep will be enough.... But somehow it has to be. Sometimes you have to pay the rent so you don't get a choice.
I guess there is a lot on my mind right now, and it's a bit difficult for me to really focus on anything. Rough day at work, friends. Ruff. I'd love to gripe and give specifics. I'd love to point a finger and blame someone else and proclaim loudly all that is wrong in the world around me. But it's not about that. This is not that.
The thing is that God likes to take us some places that we don't want to go. He likes to give us lessons on things that we weren't expecting to learn. Perhaps there is a lot more from this to learn than I'd ever realized. I'm trying to focus on God right now. Trying hard to focus on His lessons, and not what someone else thinks I need to know.
It's hard for a few reasons, not at the least of which is the fact that all parties involved are suffering from imperfection. I need to understand that my view is not the right view, but neither is the other person's. We suffer from the sin of bias. Most of the human race falls into this daily. We all like to think that our view is right. That we know the answer. That someone else has to be wrong because they don't see the light.
Good grief, it's been such a long day. No amount of sleep will be enough.... But somehow it has to be. Sometimes you have to pay the rent so you don't get a choice.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Where's my lunchbox?
Well, I'm now in the middle of the second week of grad school. Which means more homework than I'd personally care for, and inevitably, looming papers.
All in all, it's really not so bad. Things are finally starting to slow up at work a bit, so I'm able to take a look at things, but still...lots of papers. And I completely forgot about that Saturday class next week. Well...I almost forgot.
The thing is, this time graduation actually seems like a goal. Not just something that happens at the end of it all. I think graduation was always generally expected before. Just keep doing all the work like a normal person, and eventually they'll give you a piece of paper that says it was all worth it. This time around, I'm pushing toward that goal like it's going out of style. I can't seem to get there fast enough. Which is weird to think about only 3 class sessions in.
Honestly, it's gonna be hard. I've never had to worry about papers and work. And trying to maintain my long distance relationship. But at least he's supportive. Not exactly thrilled that I've decided to get a degree, but he's willing to put up with it in the mean time. I might have to promise to take him to disney world or something just for working through it with me, but we shall see.
Either way...I've got homework to do. What the junk am I doing bumming around trying to post a blog? I need to read 8 chapters from a boring book so I can post on the discussion board. Goodbye writing things that are interesting...hello homework.
All in all, it's really not so bad. Things are finally starting to slow up at work a bit, so I'm able to take a look at things, but still...lots of papers. And I completely forgot about that Saturday class next week. Well...I almost forgot.
The thing is, this time graduation actually seems like a goal. Not just something that happens at the end of it all. I think graduation was always generally expected before. Just keep doing all the work like a normal person, and eventually they'll give you a piece of paper that says it was all worth it. This time around, I'm pushing toward that goal like it's going out of style. I can't seem to get there fast enough. Which is weird to think about only 3 class sessions in.
Honestly, it's gonna be hard. I've never had to worry about papers and work. And trying to maintain my long distance relationship. But at least he's supportive. Not exactly thrilled that I've decided to get a degree, but he's willing to put up with it in the mean time. I might have to promise to take him to disney world or something just for working through it with me, but we shall see.
Either way...I've got homework to do. What the junk am I doing bumming around trying to post a blog? I need to read 8 chapters from a boring book so I can post on the discussion board. Goodbye writing things that are interesting...hello homework.
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