Never Easy

I remember once when my best friend and I nearly parted ways. It seems that any good friendship has that inevitable moment when things get really serious really quick. And this was definitely one of those moments.

We were standing on a pier in the dark with a group of friends. It was late - the sun had gone down at least a couple of hours ago, and we were a bunch of bored teenagers looking for something to do on a summer night after youth group. I remember someone brought up this crazy idea of jumping off the pier into the water. I also remember looking at this water and looking around and remembering all sorts of stories about things that live there and about people that had jumped and landed on something and were paralyzed and all kinds of terrible things. I remember fear.

And then I remember that my best friend decided that she was going to jump off. She definitely had her reasons and it was one of those things she just had to do. But I just did NOT agree at all. I got mad. I told her it was a dumb idea. I told her I wouldn't give her a ride home. And ultimately, I left. She felt that she did what she needed to do, and I felt that I did the same.

It was in that moment that we were both standing on the edge of a pier. And we both jumped. Things were different after that moment. We came to the realization that friendship is not easy. We were able to work things out and still be friends, but I'm sure we still look back at that day with different views. What followed was a very serious week. There was soul searching. Yes. There was soul searching because of jumping off a pier.

Strange as it is, I don't regret that day. I don't regret that either of us made the decision that we did. It's never easy.

It's never easy to decide that you're going to stand up to your best friend and hold on to your beliefs even if it might alter the friendship. But sometimes it's a risk worth taking. It's never easy to lose someone close to you to something as nasty as cancer. But sometimes you have to let go. It's not easy to pack up and leave everything you've ever known and take on a new job in a new city. But sometimes you have to take that risk at the hope of something better.

And in the middle, God will hold your heart. Even if it's not easy.

Life is moving quickly

My best friend's mom died last week.
Cancer, always such a nasty thing.
Just so hard to accept death.

In the week since, there have been a lot of tears. Plenty of trying to figure things out. One sermon that I cried through as the preacher talked about Lazarus dying and how Mary and Martha must have been so mad that he let their brother die.

My own heart has been asking those same questions. Of all the people in the world, why her? Someone so full of life and love. Someone so giving. So loving. Why does God do what he does? I have no ideas. I don't think I'm mad at him per se, but I just don't understand.

In the days that followed I spent plenty of time trying to keep my mind off reality. Mostly talking with my chatterbox grandmother. Some cooking.

And then I got a few phone calls. I got the job...

I'm moving down South where my boyfriend lives. I got a job in the admin area at the state college there. After nearly 4 years of nasty distance, we'll finally get to experience life as a normal couple. Finally.

I spent the weekend looking for apartments. I spent today resigning from my current position and gathering funds and estimates to move. Despite my stupidity, this will be my second move in 3 months. A new personal record I hope to not beat. I'm not looking forward to the cancellation fees and startup fees. I am looking forward, however, to being much closer to the man I love so much. God, may this be the right move.

Things do seem to be falling together. Just one last detail - who will take this apartment?

Just rip it out already

not sure how much longer i can hang in there. i'm going for drastic tonight and i'm gonna see where that takes me. hair. tattoo. who knows?

just gotta shake this ache.

it'd be nice to breathe again.

When God Heals the Broken Hearts

Luke Ch. 6
43 “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. 44 A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thornbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. 45 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart"

What does this mean if your broken and moldy heart has good intentions? What does this mean for the one who feels so out of place and confused? Is there a place in between the evil heart and the good? Because that is where I seem to find myself.

The irony is that I, like many others, I'm sure, have the best of intentions. We don't do things out of pure malice because we only want to tear someone else apart. We don't do things simply out of hatred or rebellion. But still we find ourselves outside of where we know God is at. We find in our hearts a burning pain, searing with the guilt we have for thinking or acting or doing the things we know we shouldn't. Sometimes it's poor behavior. Sometimes its the things we say. Sometimes its what we watch or listen to. Sometimes it's where we go.

And in all of this we find that our hearts are broken. Shattered intentions lie around us intermingled with the pieces of our hearts that have fallen to the ground. Picking up pieces seem to make things worse as we find ourselves holding on to shards of our life that we can't seem to let go of -- and that are ripping us apart as we hold on ever tighter.

God, why can't I let go of the pieces? Why are there things that I hold on to that are self-destructive? Why do I keep holding on to some kind of pride because I think I'm above that rule or outside of that guideline? Really, what makes me any different than the next guy? And more importantly, what makes me think that I can be whomever and not affect people in a negative way?

God knows what my heart is hurting for, and really, that's all that matters. There are all kinds of possibilities right now, and He knows how those could and would affect me. He knows what things would be a good fit, what things would break me, and what things are simply out of the question.

And for now, I'm working hard to let go of those pieces. To let God heal a broken heart.

Keepin it real

Such a drama queen.

Yep that's me. Not that I want to be, but sometimes waking up on the wrong side of the bed has the tendency to get in the way of me actually being nice.

Dear people that I hurt yesterday, please accept my deepest apologies. It's not your fault, and I'll admit it wasn't fair. I'm trying to be a better person.

QT

There is something beautiful about sitting outside to enjoy the cool of the evening. Last night I decided to go sit outside after dinner and spend some much needed QT with my journal. It was quite heavenly.

I couldn't help but think of all those times you hear in hom class about how preachers need to find ways to be incarnational when they speak. Basically -- pastors need to get out of their church offices and write a sermon in starbucks every now and again. Or at least sit out on their front porch.

It is outside that I can see all sorts of things. Just across the main road and down a ways is Lake Morton. Next door is a neighbor I haven't really met yet. Across the street is a bank and parking lot. Over a bit further is the train station. Down the street are some kids on skateboards teaching each other tricks and showing off. Even somewhere where seemingly nothing is happening there are people everywhere. There is always something going on. And somewhere in the middle of it all I realized that I've gotten way too out of touch with people around me. I don't interact much. And I should.

I was listening to God and mostly just getting my feelings out. About life and work and my man. Lots of things to consider. Lots of things bugging me, frustrating me, confusing me. There are few things that bring me peace and relaxation anymore, but I'm bound and determined to find them. Once this bout of homework is done, I'm doing a puzzle. And when it gets colder, I'm taking up knitting...again.

But for now, I need to get back to the assignment I keep procrastinating.

Drop it and run

Here's the life lesson for today:

Don't tie your self-worth to what others think of you. Don't let your value be defined by your job title, your yearly income, your marital status.

Because today when all of that was getting in the way and clouding my heart, I heard a gentle whisper, "don't you know I love you regardless? Don't you know how much you mean to me?"

That's not to say the sting of the day isn't fresh. But sometimes it's good to get a refreshed perspective.

I'm a bitter old maid

Well. I believe the title says it all.



So help me God, I need to not be so bitter. Or grumpy.

- He is always online (or so it seems).
- Sometimes I im him just so we can have a conversation.
- Being OVER the distance thing is SO an understatement right now.
- I just want to be like a normal person. Sometimes that means I wish I was really on my own.

but its ok. I probly don't mean any of that. After all, I'm just a bitter old maid. And apparently an emo one at that.

Its just going to be one of those days

"My Hands are Tied"

I feel like my hands are tied.

I'm locked here for one reason for another,
Tied to this place because options are slim.

I feel like my hands are tied.

You can't move forward sometimes
because you aren't as young as you once were.

Then you start wondering if you should have been doing things differently all along.
Maybe if I were different, then things would be different.
Maybe if I would have turned left 2 years ago instead of going right,
then maybe I wouldn't be here right now.

And yet, I'm still here.
Hands tied.

You can't tell me there is freedom and then try to keep me in a box.
I don't want to hate things. I don't want to hate where I am. I don't want to hate where life has brought me.
But at the root of it all, I'm just so frustruated.

Just untie my hands.

Lord, lead me somewhere. You know what I can handle.

Maybe I'm here because I'm not done learning and growing.
Maybe the frustruation is just because I still feel those growing pains.
They are very sharp today.

Lord, untie my hands. Let me hold the rope as you guide me.
Just untie what is holding me down and holding me back.

Funny Thing Happened Last Night

This weekend was a crazy one. Matt turned 25 on Saturday, so I was down with his family spending some QT with my love and enjoying a weekend off after some intense class and such. I particularly loved Sunday afternoon when we just sat on the front driveway and talked about everything from theology to star trek. God, I love him.

The really difficult part was that I had a BUNCH of friends get married this weekend. I mean, wedding season is hard, but pairing that with his 25th and the fact that we're nowhere near getting married anytime soon is just flat out hard. And we want to get married so badly, the thing is that we can't afford it right now. Still waiting on that job to work out on his end.

So I left yesterday evening with that all too familiar feeling...wondering when it will ever be my turn. Wishing and praying and wondering if all those little voices along the way telling me that I should consider calling it quits were right. And then God spoke to me through Joel Osteen.

Now, the thing to realize is that I'm not really the world's biggest Joel Osteen fan. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a good guy and all, but I don't exactly sit up late waiting for his sermons to play at 2 am on the Christian channel. And I'm not first in line for his latest book release. Thing is, I was actually watching "My Name is Earl" simply because my real favourite show doesn't come on at that time on Sunday nights. And when I got bored with Earl, I started channel surfing and came across Mr. Osteen's show. I'm not really sure why I decided to stop there last night except for the fact that I love how he never looks at his notes when he preaches. That's the one thing I've tried really hard to steal in my own preaching style.

But anyway, Joel was going on about something or other when this little word of truth stuck out to me like a sore thumb: maybe things are going to work out, just not right now. Perhaps part of this all being worth it is that I need to sit and trust that God is going to fulfill the promise that he has made to me. God isn't exactly the type that goes back on promises.

So I realized that what I really need to do is just cool my jets and stop getting mad every time someone besides me gets married. God's gonna work all this stuff out, and I need to trust him. He loves me enough to have a bigger picture in mind when I want to limit myself to only what I see right now.

Learning to take everything in stride

I think the one thing I've learned over the last week is just how much easier life is when you start looking at the positive, and let the negative just roll off your back.

I guess it takes coming to the end of what you think you have inside of you and then ... jumping off some kind of proverbial pier. This has been such a wonderful week of learning. Yes, there has been a fair share of crap. There has been the usual bickering and arguing. There has been situation after situation that makes me want to run away screaming. There has been cat pee in a puddle under the bed. .

But there has come a beautiful moment when everything seems to not even matter anymore. It doesn't matter if people know who I am or what I do. It doesn't matter if this place is thankless and if I have no future here. The thing is that I am learning. And learning a LOT thank you. There is something marvelous about leadership classes in that they tend to give this strange sense of optimism. That no matter how crappy things may seem, there is always a way to make it better. There is somehow, somewhere, a way to get a group of people to start forming a team. A way for two people to stop hurting each other and start loving each other.

Instead of all of the bad moments, learn to focus on the good. Look for that sliver of gold nestled in among the rocks and the dirt. Learn to find one good thing in someone and tell them about it. Learn to say "I'm Sorry" and "I was wrong". Learn that personal agendas are nowhere near as important as the team objective.

And most of all, I've learned that to start working together we need to understand each other and to understand each other we need to love each other. May God's grace be the glue that binds us together. May we learn to love like Christ loved.

Coming to an end...maybe not

Remember when you were just a kid...you know, those good old days when it started getting hot outside and you started getting excited because you knew that summer break was right around the corner? Man, I miss that.

I'm coming to the end of my second semester of grad school. I've got 9 classes under my belt, and I'm looking forward to finishing the final 2 before starting work on my thesis. Looking forward as in, as soon as these are done, I'll be able to go to the pool after work again. Man, that would be nice.

For now, this is the equivalent of finals week. One paper is due tomorrow (almost done) and another one is due in a few weeks. (I'm still not sure how that works out). And somehow I have to get a powerpoint done on 4 chapters by Saturday morning -- seriously who schedules class for 8 am on a Saturday. This is just rediculous!

Alas, I'm so tired. And stressed. My boyfriend deserves bonus points because he's been managing to put up with all of it. I feel really bad, and at the same time, I don't even know how to not be stressed. I think that's the part that bothers him the most. Just that I'm not quite as smiley or talkative as I normally am. The good thing is that once this is over, I'm done for a long long time. While I keep saying that I don't want to do work on a doctorate, I don't really see that happening anytime in the near future. I say give it some time and if the right program comes along, I'll roll into it -- but definitely not full time at all.

Oh, also, I found a cat. Itty bitty baby kitty. aka Gracie. Aka meowmix. aka kittybaby. Some weirdos were trying to keep her in their dorm room, and the cleaning lady found her. A co-worker intervened and was going to take her to the pound when I saw her on my way home and decided that she needed to come home with me.

So now I find myself bottle feeding a kitten a bunch of times a day. Who knew they needed to be burped? Because I sure didn't. It's kindof awkward burping a cat. Or feeding it from a bottle. But that's another story. At least I've got her trained to pee in a litterbox...

Sometimes a Rob Bell video is all it takes

haha. Yes, that's a laugh you just read.

Let's just say that last week held more emotions than I think I was really able to handle. Lots of things going on, and not necessarily things that I really was ready for. But you know what? God is good.

And the thing that has been the theme for the past week or so is this: "God is in this moment"

Good, bad, or indifferent, God is in this moment. God is here when things are going really well and you are happy about life. And God is in those moments when your whole world seems to be crumbling around you and all you can do is look at the person next to you and wonder where all of this is going. And, still, God is there in those in-between moments in life when things are just...there.

That has been the theme of my life right now. Realizing that even though I might not be happy with the circumstances I might find myself in, God is here. Even if I wish I was in a different state, God is here. Even when I'm stuck eating pasta again because I'm too lazy to go to the grocery store, God is there. When I find myself surrounded by friends able to pour out my heart to God, he is there. Even when I don't feel him.

So Friday, my method of coping was to just sit and eat some pizza and some lime beverage of goodness and watch a Rob Bell video. I watched this one called "Matthew" and I think it was then that my perspective was altered.

See, I really think that some portions of the problem last week is that I just needed to grieve. Because these wonderful and beautiful plans and dreams were birthed in me a long while ago, and every so often there is this glimmer of hope. But when it all comes crashing to the ground it leaves me feeling so broken and empty. Like my dreams were miscarried. Not that they won't come later, but this particular set of dreams was broken and dead right in front of my eyes. And I just needed some time to grieve. To realize that I couldn't hold on to something that was dead -- I just needed to take the time to feel sad and to let it all out. And so I did.

Saturday I realized that maybe I've been spending so much time trying to craft my own dreams that I've not let God just do what he does best. He can create this wonderful and beautiful future, but I can't keep holding on to bits and pieces of things trying to shove them together to make the puzzle. I have to offer him the broken pieces and say "God, here I am, put me together again." I've been holding on to certain aspects of my relationship with Matt, and I think that it's because I can't let go of them that things don't work out. I'm trying to force God's hand. I'm trying to play house when there is nothing there but a sheet thrown over some chairs. I'm trying to eat a fancy meal but it's all made out of plastic. It might work for right now, but it's not really doing any good in the long run. I just need to let go of those pieces, back away, and trust that God is in the moments.

God is here when I'm stressed. God is here when my boyfriend doesn't understand me. God is here when all I want to do is back away slowly and scream. He is here in all of the beautiful moments I like to overlook. And everything in between.

Emotional stability is overrated

He didn't get the other job in Colorado.

Can I tell you how confused I am right now. Like one of those "God, what are you doing in my life" moments. Why are things continuing to work out this way?

I didn't get the other job at work either.

So that's three strikes right now between the two of us. Luckily, though, this is the week of crazy emotions. Like when my mom sent me a care box full of highlighters and a workout video. .. and I cried. So that's pretty much the last few days in a nutshell. Stress and crying and some chocolate.

So today my emoticon is somewhere between angry and crying and laughing and punching you in the face.

have a nice weekend.

greedy little ............ yeah

Got a phone call from Matt last night. He was sitting in an airport somewhere in S. Carolina (I think) and all I could hear was that annoying person announcing flights in the background mixed with the normal chaos that is an airport.

I know I just saw him a few days ago, but lately I just miss him like hell.

He's on his way back to Colorado right now to see what youth pastor jobs he can find (and some regular-type jobs too for the record). But he wanted to let me know he'd heard back from one of the pastors he'd spoken with a few weeks ago. And by the way he was talking I knew it wasn't what we wanted to hear.

At least now we know why the guy took so long to get back to us.

I think the hardest part right now is that we've heard the same story over and over again. "we went with another married couple." UGH. That's so hard to hear. So hard. So I did the only thing I could do at the time. I put my knitting down and I tried to keep the crying noises down while I told him that God was still in this moment. And after I hung up, I turned off all the lights in my apartment, took off my glasses and got mad at God.

Well, maybe not quite mad. But I did cry a lot. "God why does this keep happening" "Why don't they understand" "Please just start working things together so that we can get married". . . Two years is a long time to wait when you don't really want to. Two. Long. Grueling. Long distance. Years. Week after week of not seeing each other. Month after month of 'I'll call you for 15 minutes on my lunch break'.

I'm so sick of this. And yet I feel so greedy asking for something different. I want to go somewhere new, but it's not about me. I want to marry this man, and yet why isn't it working out? I swear if I could marry him tomorrow I would. No dress, no party, no nothing. Just me and him. That's how over all of this I am.

And I hate to be bitter. I hate going on facebook and being jealous of all the married friends. I hate being jealous and hurt every time someone gets engaged. I hate that part of me cries at weddings simply because it's been so long and it hasn't been my turn. I feel like a greedy little....[dog]. Because it's not about me.

Once again, God has left me wondering 'what's next?'

Missional Ecclesiology

Ok.This might sound confusing, but it's not really. Tonight in class we're talking about what missions in the church should look like. Ecclesiology is just the study of the church and it's workings. So...how does missions fit into this?

It bothers me that so many churches spend all kinds of money and effort to support things that shouldn't always come first. Like spending thousands of dollars for a brand new building or new signs when that same church can't pay it's own staff. And a church that can't even pay its staff is not very likely to do things to help the people down the street.

Or, they might be found in the other extreme. We find so many churches that are putting thousands of dollars to support a long list of missionaries overseas...yet what are we doing about the homelessness downtown? Most churches don't want "that kind of person" to sit on their pews for fear of making them dirty. Essentially, we don't understand what it means to be missional. We don't understand what it means to take care of someone that doesn't look or sound (or smell) like we do. But we're willing to pay someone else to do our job outside our boarders. Americans are such lazy consumers.

Now, don't get me wrong. I believe that we need to have missionaries in countries around the world. We need to be a light that shines in the dark places all over our planet. But I also understand that not everyone is called to pack up and go somewhere far away and do that. It's hard. It takes skills. And not just bowstaff skills. I realize that there are people right now that are doing some amazing things...it's just that not all of us are going to be able to do that.

But there is a definite problem when people are willing to just sit back in their comfy little pews and give money to someone they don't know just because they need to 'do something good.' We can't just rest on our laurels and hope that someone else will do good if we just give them money. We're paying someone else to do something that we should be doing all along.

Why aren't more churches involved in figuring out the problems in the city they find themselves in? Why are we targeting rich neighborhoods and rich people that we know will bring in a larger tithe instead of going into the ghetto next door to the people that know what it means to suffer and are literally dying for some hope?

I think we are afraid to get our hands dirty. We're afraid to let our children see a homeless person because we're afraid of what might happen if they see the truth. We're afraid that they might rub off on them -- to the point that we're not willing to rub off on them. We won't feed them because they might come back for more. We won't talk to them because they are all murderers and they'll kill us....wait, what?

Let's be different. Let's make a difference. Let's stop paying someone else to do our job. Let's be like Jesus -- let's hang out with prostitutes, drug addicts, homeless persons, punk kids, and cranky old guys at the mall. And lets let other 'Christians' judge us poorly for hanging out with sinners.

I'm so...

...over this right now.

/sigh/

It's been a long day. And somehow, in the middle of all of this, I am trying to remember that God is bigger than all of my whiny little problems. Bigger than what I think is important. Bigger than how I feel at the moment. (Which, honestly, is bored to tears from this class that is far less than interesting and simultaneously way over my head.)

Its frustrating to me sometimes that I want things to go a certain way in a certain time frame. And, yet, God always seems to have something completely different up his sleeves. Which is good. Because God is good. But being human, it is still hard to understand and deal with.

I just want things to work out faster. I want Matt to have that job and get that ring, and marry me already. I want to find a job that I really love, not just one that pays the bills. I want to pay off this beast of burden that is my car. I want to get out of this blessed state that is way too humid for anyone, really. Yet here I am. Still not married. Still paying off a car loan. Still sitting through a class that I don't really care about or understand. Still wondering how all of God's plans are going to start making sense in the messed up life language that I speak.

God, you're good. Sarah, have some patience for crying out loud.

Creating a Benevolence Movement

A friend and I have decided to start a church. Well, to be more honest, a friend of mine wanted to start a church, and now there are about five of us involved. Either way, we want this to look like something completely fresh and new, like nothing ever done before.

So how do we do this? How on earth do we create some kind of multi-cultural community that does more than fill up a bunch of pews on a Sunday service? How do we create something that is real and authentic and messy? How do I become the kind of person that doesn't just show up to meetings, but does things in my own life to reach out to someone that really needs something?

John calls this our benevolence movement. A movement of giving, not just a bunch of people trying to do. We want to create a place where the homeless people in our city can come to just take a shower. I'd like to see this partnered with the place in town that helps them get jobs and food. I want to actually go out and do something with my life that would help someone else.

I was listening to a podcast by Shane Claiborne and he was talking about how he lives in community in this house in Philly. A house on the wrong side of the tracks in the bad part of town. A house that has seen its share of hurting people, drug addicts, homeless persons. And yet the purpose of this house is to build relationships with others in that neighborhood. He's not trying to start a new church, but he's working with the churches that are already in the area to try to make things work a little differently and a little better than they already were. He's working to get rid of some of the gun retailers in the city. Leaving this world a little cleaner than when he found it.

That is what my heart wants to do this morning. To get into the heart of this city I live in and do something more than just sit here. There are days when I just hate the way I live, not because it's bad, but because I haven't really helped anyone. I show up to my christian school job, go to my christian school classes, and then go to church on Sundays. There isn't any room to meet people outside of that. I want to be friends with people who don't love God like I do. I want to meet people that have real, deep hurts so I can learn to get the focus off of my own piddly little problems. I'm a firm believer that you don't really know what problems are until you can learn to understand someone else's.

What are you doing to make a difference in the world?

Why won't my eyes stay open?

Barg.Barg.Barg.

Talk about not enough sleep and procrastination galore! Good news is that the book critique and the sermon research paper are both out of the way.

The bad news is that I still have to write the sermon, practice the sermon, preach the sermon, and still find time to get all of the other reading done. If I don't come down with some kind of stress-induced illness by the end of this week, I will be incredibly surprised. INCREDIBLY.

In the mean time, my eyes actually hurt a little. Probably because they keep yelling at me to close them and get some rest more often.

The good thing about the last week is that I've started to eat better and work out a little. I'm using a website that tracks calories and whatnot (www.sparkpeople.com) so that's keeping me honest about what I eat. My goal is to lose about 20-25 lbs and actually feel good about myself again. I really miss working out, but I don't think that will happen again until sometime this summer once my classes decide to let up a bit. But I have lost 2 lbs since last Tuesday! I'm stoked.

Here's to more homework than I really want to think about. And here's to the nights we felt alive, the tears we knew we cried, to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon.

In the event that

*Sigh*

There comes a particular time in the life of a grad school student when they realize that they are not going to get any more sleep than the bare minimum for at least 2 more weeks. And then they cry a little. And then they get over it because sleep also means that they'll have time to spend with their boyfriend and friends again. That little tidbit is quite lovely, actually.

I've come to that point, really. I feel like my entire life is consistantly dedicated to reading books that I don't have even the slightest interest in, and doing papers that don't really mean much. Not that I haven't been enjoying my semester. It's just that I've also reached the point where I can't even absorb anything. I'm pretty sure I just finished a sermon...maybe on Elijah...not really sure what it was about. Too bad, that.

Anyway, I realized the other day that I really miss a few things. For one, I really miss being able to spend at least a half an hour of pure time with Jesus. Time that wasn't spent wondering when I was going to get time to work on my next paper. Time that wasn't fixated on trying to create a sermon for next week's class. Time that was just beautifully spent in innocent awe and wonder at the world in which I live.

I miss getting up early just to sit outside and enjoy the beauty that is found in the early morning hours as the world is waking up. Just realizing how beautiful this world is. Despite the horror and the disease and distruction..there is still some kind of inherent beauty that is and only can ever be the essence of our creator.

I miss spending time with friends. I used to have some of those before they all moved away and either got jobs or got married. Or both. I miss going to the causeway just to spend some time getting to know someone. I miss going to someone's dorm to play a game because it was Friday night and there was nothing else to do. I miss tv marathons and sleepovers. I'm learning to settle for coffee breaks and random lunches. But, in this new weird time in my life, it's really not the same.

I miss my boyfriend. I often feel like I've spent the last three years of my life wondering what a normal relationship looks like. I think I'm afraid sometimes that we'll finally get in the same town for some amount of time and realize that things aren't going to work out. That terrifies me for a lot of reasons that I don't really want to talk about, but that fear is still there. I miss spending time just eating dinner and going on dates and sitting outside wondering what that cloud is shaped like. I wish things were different. I wish I had more time to spend. I wish the distance wasn't an issue. I wish he was more willing to make plans. I wish he had a more go-get-em type of attitude. But things are the way they are, and we're doing our best to make it work for now. It's not that I don't love him. Its that the distance really sucks. Especially since grad school.

So those are my thoughts for now. The good news is that it's nearly March and I'll be completely done in December. So here's to another week of spring classes...off to read one more book and figure out one more sermon.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

"I think this is when most people give up on their stories. They come out of college wanting to change the world, wanting to get married, wanting to have kids and change the way people buy office supplies. But they get into the middle and discover it was harder than they thought. They can't see the distant shore anymore, and they wonder if their paddling is moving them forward. None of the trees behind them are getting smaller and none of the trees ahead are getting bigger. They take it out on their spouses, and they go looking for an easier story."

_Donald_Miller__A_Million_Miles_In_A_Thousand_Years_

This is how I feel today...

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want, you're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
WOuld you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?